ASK AUNT B

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2007-05-04T08:39:00.001-04:00

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I've Moved

2007-03-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

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MMmmmmmmmmmm...Humble Pie

2007-03-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B:

Im not sure how to deal with the problems I'm having with my new Sister-in-Law.

We had been best friends for at least 14 years, and I had recently

married her brother after dating for six years. Our friendship fell

apart for good when I was unable to change my wedding rehearsal date to accommodate her needs (she has health problems and is considered

disabled.) A separate rehearsal date just for her was planned but she

wouldn't accept it, it had to be all or nothing. I told her that I felt

guilty but she said I was being selfish and unreasonable and letting

down a disabled person. Eventually she ended up dropping out of my

wedding, but she attended the wedding as a guest and bad-mouthed me to her whole family and turned some of her family against me. Since my

wedding day she has further trashed my reputation and most of her family continues to be against me.

We have had many fights in the past (usually about me disagreeing with

her about something) and to resolve our issues we've ALWAYS had to use the mediation of a clergy person or counselor. She never has to

apologize, always has a poor excuse for her selfish behavior, and always

turns everything around to make it my fault. My husband, who is the

kindest, most easy-going person I know, is so angry with her and

doesn't care to see her anymore. Holidays and get together's are now

scheduled separately so that we don't have to be in the same room with

his toxic sister.

I am not willing to be her friend but her behavior has ripped a family

apart. She has done nothing to allow the family to heal. I don't want

to be the one to start apologizing because I feel I did nothing wrong,

but I think something needs to be done to start the healing. How can I

get her to make the first move? Also, am I wrong for being so hurt and

angry at this person, who was supposed to be my best friend and has

caused such unrest in my new marriage?

Thank you so much for any advice you have to give, Aunt B! I look

forward to hearing from you.

Aunt B said...

Woohoo, do you have your hands full, huh?
First, to make up, I would throw her a Pity Party, with lots of balloons and blowers but make sure it fits her schedule, of course (insert sarcastic tone).

I do not apologize for that. I've seen her kind before and it gives people with disabilities a bad name. It's actually shameful. Because you have a disability does not give you license to be a nasty person. You get more bees with honey than vinegar, right?

I am considered disabled, (our secret, nobody knows) and do not behave any less than I would want to be treated. I was hit by two cars when I was 18. Then, years later, had to have two ribs removed, the artery and nerve moved and a portion of lung removed. My step- sister, was born with Cerebral Palsy, no kneecap, one leg shorter than the other and has had so many surgeries, to try to help her, she looks like a train track. She was also placed in an Asylum when she was 5 years old. Back in the day, (my step-sister is 50+), when a child had such disabilities, that's what the Doctors told them to do. This place was so horrible, my Aunt, who wrote for 20/20 and People Magazine, did an investigative story and had the place shut down. Throughout it all, my sis rarely complained. Oh, she said she hurt but she never used her disability to get her way, use people or to obtain pity. She was released when she was 22 years old, married and now lives in an Assisted Living situation. I have worked with patients who are bitter and with do anything to grab a pocket full of pity and this is how I am able to see through it. You don't have to be disabled to be a bitter and nasty person though, huh? You don't have to be disabled to use people either, right?

Now, I am only telling you some of this, not to establish that I am mean or unfeeling. I am telling you this, only to validate your feelings. I do not believe you are wrong in this situation. I don't care if they had to bring her in on a stretcher, hooked to an I.V. pole and a heart monitor. She should have respected the event, for what it was. You did your best to accommodate her and that still wasn't good enough, was it? If you ask me and you did, I would label it...
"SELFISH."
Why, do you think she behaved as she did? I think it was because you were stealing The SIL Show. The attention was on you and her brother and not her. You were stealing her thunder. If it hadn't happened then, it would probably have happened at another big event such as a baby shower or birth and so on. Some people just can't stand to see other people happy, either. She may be quite miserable and you know what they say, "Misery loves company." She just screwed up and drove you away. I'm quite sure, she thought she'd get her way completely. You'd feel so sorry for her, you'd crumble and she'd have you exactly where she wants you and anybody that comes in contact with her and her world. I feel bad for her husband, oh my?
The question is; How can we point all this out to her?

The Answer

I think you should edit this post, your answer here and send it to her, along with how you feel. What do you have to lose, at this point. She really needs someone, to point out that she is behaving rather childishly and with complete disregard for her brother, amongst others.

Or

You can pray for Wisdom and write her a letter. In that letter, you state that you want to end this bitter feud. I am a huge fan of writing letters. When you try to talk to someone, in a heated situation with added discomfort, the letter does not allow for them to take a defensive posture and not hear what you have to say. The added bonus, is that quite often, for many people, what they read, may sink in deeper than what they've read. This is true, especially, when they'll want to come back in a nasty way. This takes away their ammunition and render's them equalized for that moment. The way you term things, the psychology of it all, will be the key.

I would tell her that, you no longer want to keep up or fuel this chaos in the family, it has been damaging and serves no purpose(She will have to look at the whole affair and if she continues, after you've made this statement, then she is the one that is not acting on behalf of the family). You tell her, that you make this gesture for her brothers sake. You state that you no longer want strife in the family over what should have been a memorable occasion for "her" brother(emphasis is taken off of your feelings and placed on her brother and how she is treating him). You tell her, that you are trying, to be adult about this, for the sake of the family and you would hope she could do the same(She will then, hopefully look at the fact that it is not a mature stance, she has taken). Tell her, that it was never your intention to offend her but you had done all you could to accommodate her and her needs (She will have to look at the fact that you did offer her a lot of leeway and hopefully see that she was acting in a pitiful manner, using her disability to get her way). State that you want to end this long, arduous and painful feud, as you know in your heart that it is not good for the family(See, now you have made it very clear, if she continues this whole affair, she must not care how her family feels). State that you no longer want to inconvenience the family to accommodate, the two of you and a bad situation or bad blood between the two of you. Why should they suffer for a disagreement between the two of you? Can we end this, for the sake of the family and especially, "Your Brother?" Then, you say, "How can we end this?"

See, you've not apologized and you've not really given in. You've kept your dinity and served up a slice of humble pie, for you both to share, of course she'll get a much larger piece than yours cause you are not the selfish one, right, lol? I think you have detoured, the whole responsibility and the weight or burden back where it belongs. It's doubtful, she'll even realize it. If after you've written this letter and sent it to her and she does not respond in a favorable stature, you can no longer carry the burden, in any way, shape or form. You have made an attempt with no admission of guilt. It will seem that you have the best interests of the family and her brother, in your heart. If she does not respond in a favorable manner, it shows her true selfish colors and she's just a waste of time, energy and you are so much better off, without her baggage on your mind. I pray, her heart will warm and she'll be receptive and maybe even read between the lines. I pray for your wisdom and words.

~Sound Advice~

2007-03-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

Listen to me friends, heed the warning, live and learn...

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative, all in the same night, please!!

~Love Knows No Heirarchy~

2007-03-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new great aunt, but because we lost our mother at an early age (12) I am also considered the grandmother because I have taken care of all my younger siblings all through their lives and have been there for numerous births. I am sure my sister wants first dibs on grandmother, but where do I fit in on giving advice etc .without stepping on toes? We have our first great-grand-baby due tomorrow.

Thanks, Lynn

Aunt B said...

Hi Lynn,

Wow, this is a bit vague but the title of this post speaks the answer, huh? As family, you have a right in the say so of all things, if you choose and the family member is receptive.
In today's world, things are different than they were years upon years ago. We now have more step families but we've always had your situation, where a sibling raises the family. Unfortunately, especially in days gone by, the parent or parents often dyed young, leaving a sibling to do the rearing. There was often no choice. It commendable that you all got through it but to persevere is a dying art, as well.

Your Mother died and none of you are really the Grandmother, correct? But let me tell you this; I adopted my daughter, when she was 15 years old. She came into my home and became part of my family. In reality she is not my daughter, now is she? I did not give birth to her, do I have a right to want her to call me Mom? No, I do not have a right to it. There is no entitlement but it sure made me feel good when she starting calling me Mom and my husband Dad. In turn, when she had her first and only daughter, I was Grandma. I loved it, even though I was kind of young, when my Grandbaby called out to me, "Grandma." It felt really good and I can understand.
Your situation is a bit different, is it not? I do not know just how close, you and you siblings are? If you are close, I invite you to sit down and talk about this. I do not mean to offend any of you but not one of you has the right to claim to be Grandma, really? So, for the sake of the child, you must work this out. When the child grows up, can they explain or can you explain to them the connection, the family tree? I think it is also honorable to want to fill that gap, that void, so the child does have a Grandparent. This is a touchy situation and I think it comes down to who is oldest, maybe? I am having a hard time answering this because it is evident that I don't have the whole story? What is wrong with you all just being Aunts and Uncles, unless you've already started the process of changing roles? Is this what happened? You did say, that there were already, several births, right? Who is or have you already designated someone as Grandmother? If you are already, "Grandma," why change it?

Even if you are or are not, you should be there, as family in all things. If this means that you give advice, it is because you care. Being a "know it all" and "my word is the law" is different than a family member that cares and wants only the best for their entire family, right? I think you only want the best for this child.

My Answer

Not one of you has the entitlement or reserve to call yourself "The Grandmother." So, you must work it out amongst you and try not to confuse things and especially in regards to the child and their hold on understanding the family tree. Regardless of what you want or your sister wants, or the feelings involved, you must do the right thing to not confuse the child. I invite you to have your family read this. I invite you all, to then sit down and really talk this out. The child will love you regardless of title, if you are there, an active figure in their lives. They will most certainly, be a fortunate person, to have the love and thoughtfulness of an Aunt. Many people have little or no family. So, it is a wonderful thing, that you all care enough to give this new child a sense of family. I hope, you can all, work this out. Please send me more information, so I may understand, if this has not been helpful. I do hope things turn out well and for the interest of the children. My prayers are with you!

Hopefully a big Congrats is in order very soon.

Sincerely,

Aunt B

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

2007-03-12T07:13:00.000-04:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B

I could really use some advice. I am currently a freshman at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I dated an awesome girl for two years while I was in high school but decided to call it quits due to the long distance(I lived in Ohio during this time). After we broke up, my friends and I decided to plan a senior trip to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. During my time on vacation, my best girlfriend and I had sex. To add a third dimension, it was my brother's ex. I have had a guilty conscious about it ever since, but have somehow kept it locked inside. This has had a tremendous impact on me because she was only the second person I ever had sex with. The third girl was at UAB(My College). Within the last couple of months, my ex-girlfriend and I have decided to get back together, but when the subject of sex came up I became really uncomfortable and lied to her. I want to tell her the truth, but am afraid it could ruin our relationship forever. What should I do? And should I tell my brother about me and his ex?

G

Aunt B said...

Dear Grant,

I feel you on this, right here, right now...
It's odd that you would say this as I just spoke with my ex's brother. I slept with him and fully understand that feeling, that guilt you speak of. That was almost 20 years ago, that I did the dirty deed. My husband (common-in-law) and I had broken up. He was extremely abusive. I put him in jail, after he put me in the hospital. His brother comforted me and you can take it from there. I immediately regretted it and always have. I have gone to my Higher Power and asked for forgiveness and I believe I am forgiven. But I do have guilt from time to time. I resumed a disastrous relationship with my husband. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome or just good old mental illness but I went on to have a 19 year relationship, before I got out. I never told him that I slept with his brother. In my case, he probably would have beat me half to death. I speak to him now and then because of our son. His brother answered the phone, thus my memory of the incident.
Now, this is different, your situation and I realize this. Your brother was no longer with this girl, right? I really don't see what you did, sleeping with this girl as an attack or hurtful act upon your own brother. It's an unwritten rule to not go out with your brother's ex's and that's what it was, his ex.
I am all about confessing to a Higher Power, Priest, Rabbi, Confidant or whomever you trust, just to get it out. I may get some flack on this but...some things are better off dead.
I do not feel that, when you go into a relationship, that you owe them a sexual resume or list. Just as you do not owe them every single thing that you did as a child, teen, young adult, whatever, that you are not particularly proud of. In fact, I feel that, each relationship you start in, you start with a clean slate. What good does it do, to know who or how many people either of you, have slept with?

"Your" past is "Your" past, as well as her past is hers. You have no right to her past and she has no right to yours...leave it there, in the past. Now, don't misconstrue what I am saying here; if you have not been practicing safe sex with each and every person, are you going to tell her/him? Probably not, so get tested. It is a murderous/unscrupulous act, to infect someone because you were not responsible.This is harsh but fact, ok? This is a huge black and white area here. Of course, we pretend there are gray areas here and we are not responsible. Every time you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with their past, especially, if they have not been responsible. In a perfect world, we would not have all these diseases but we do and they are so real and so very scary. I've seen it up close and personal, people dying from Hep C and AIDS/HIV. My first husband died from the effects of Hep C and I suffer from it as well. So, it's very real.
"I never thought it would happen to me," would be my famous last words, huh?

I know, without a doubt, some would say different, that honesty is the best policy but I feel, no one has a right to make you divulge every thing, every sexual partner or encounter. Do you really want to know every single guy, your girl has slept with? I mean really, you've got three on your roster. What if she has more or vice versa? It should not be a matter for discussion and I don't know who made up this awful rule. Some things are better left dead.

When you start a relationship, a serious relationship, be faithful, start with a clean slate and be honest when it comes to your feelings with that person. What I mean is this; If you love them with all your heart, tell them.Communicate. If you are not happy and want out, don't fool around and then go back and say, "Hey, uh, I don't think this is working?" Now, you owe them honesty, you owe that relationship honesty and you tell them that you have been unfaithful and you move on. Hopefully, you'll be honest and not get in that jam. It really hurts the most when you've been betrayed, the last one to know, when your relationship's not working and your spouse or boyfriend, has fooled around. I truly loathe a liar, someone telling me that they love me but twisting the truth only to benefit their urges. They just love to make excuses for that behavior, too!

Your Answer

Get Tested. Assuming you get a clean result, you make it known that the past is the past and "They are your future. Them and only them and that's what matters." Go to your Higher Power and talk and tell. Be responsible in this and other relationships. Sex does complicate things, doesn't it? Learn restraint. If this old relationship does work, do not complicate it with nonsense, that only clutters a clean slate. Be faithful to her or tell her it's not working and move on before you look or shop somewhere else.

Mistakes are only mistakes, if you've not learned from them. If you learned from them, they are no longer mistakes, now they are, "Learning Experiences." May you have many of these.

PS, You gotta watch those damn Spring Breaks. I went to Ocean City, Md. for Spring Break 1975 and came back pregnant. I didn't think, nor did he, that that would happen! It changed and altered my life. Wear a condom!

~Points To Ponder~

2007-03-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

I received this via email. It's touching. Copy and send it to someone you love. Don't think you or they will live forever. Say what needs to be said...today!

TO A KEEPER!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

One day someone's mother died.
And on that clear, cold morning,
in the warmth of h er bedroom,
the daughter was struck with
the pain of learning that sometimes There isn't any more.

No more hugs,
no more lucky moments to celebrate together,
no more phone calls just to chat,
No more "just one minute."

Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away.
never to return before we can say good-bye,
Say "I Love You."

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°
So while we have it . . it's best we love it .
And care for it and fix it when it's broken .
and take good care of it when it's sick.

This is true for marriage .... and friendships ..

And children with bad report cards;
And dogs with bad hips;
And aging parents and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it,
Because we cherish them!

¸....¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`· ,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~· ~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°
Some things we keep --
like a best friend who moved away
or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that
make us happy, No matter what.

¸..¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°
Life is important,
and so are the people we know .
And so, we keep them close!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸ ,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°
I recei ved this from someone today
who thought I was a 'KEEPER'!

Then I sent It to the people !
I Think of in the same way!

Now it's your turn to send this to all those people
who Are "keepers" in your life!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `° ²·-. :º°

Thank you very much
For being a special part of MY Life!

¸...¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
```)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

You are a Keeper!

"Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in awhile,
you could miss it."

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

~Walking Through the Fire~

2007-03-05T15:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Aunt B,

My sister is 48 years old and is a widow. She receives $350.00/month for a
pension. She will not keep a job because she usually thinks the employer is
giving her a raw deal and has said she does not really want to work for
other people. She does not want a minimum wage job but she has no education
or skills. She has a son living at home who has two good jobs but he
refuses to pay any rent or utilities. The problem is she is about to have
her house repossessed because she cannot pay. I am not rich and make just
enough to stay above water. What should I do besides pray for her,
encourage her to get a job, and point her to local agencies for help in
training for a job or in avoiding foreclosure?

Aunt B said...

It occurs to me, that you are a kind and gentle soul. I would not want to be in your shoes, not at all. I feel for you as well as your sister.

I have owned homes and I have lost them, more than once. So, I know the devastation it can cause. At the same time, I feel like saying that sometimes we need to lose everything, to gain what is most important. This is a tough situation, it really is. I don't know all the proponents of the game nor do I know if you've helped her in the past. Regardless, I think that you need to proceed with care, with caution. I would not want you, to lose your sister over this. Money should never come between family or friends but you are backed in a corner here.

My gut instincts tell me to say to you, that your sister has been so busy being a victim, she has lost touch with reality. I mean, is it realistic for a son to live at home and not help with the bills? You and I know that it is wrong. She is allowing this, apparently. Of course, the son, must have less scruples than genius? After all, if you could work, save money and not pay a dime out, would you not do it? The thing is though, he is doing it to his own Mom which is beyond incorrigible and loathsome. It is the son, that should be helping her, not you. But you knew that. I could almost understand it, if the son didn't have a job but it almost makes it worse because he does, two to boot.

If you weigh it out, which I'm sure you have, you come to a few conclusions. If you help her, financially, you may, just prolong things. If you help her, it may send mixed signals, that all is right with the world as it is and nothing will be gained.

I do not like hurting any one, much less a family member but enabling them is just as bad. That means, your sister is enabling her son and if you help her, in a financial aspect, you are enabling them both. So, is there a solution here?

I think that it is time for your Sister to see the ramifications of her situation. If she needs to redefine her, "Values and Beliefs," now is the time to do it. It's easy to think we are all that and shouldn't pay our dues. It is then, that we will be humbled. I had worked as a Chef for one of the Eastern Seaboards finest restaurants. But when I went to prison, they put me in the dish room. I had to work my way up the ladder to become 1st Cook. Woohoo! My point is that Sis needs to humble herself and realistically look at things. You can bet your butt, I know how she feels. She has a grown son, yet she can't get a good paying job, fitting her life skills. It is humbling. Losing everything, hurts even more, so which shall it be?

Laying down a cushion will not bring around change and in turn, the behavior will continue. Unfortunately, I had to learn this "tough love" philosophy, myself. I have lived in my car and I know what it is to lose everything. I have gone to prison and come out with only the clothes on my back, a plastic cup and spoon and a bit of sanity. But I survived and in turn, I realized that my behaviors are what brought me down. It was a real kick in the teeth. I played the victim. I was abused, beaten and tormented but "I" allowed it. I only tell you this, so you see or know my affirmation with your theory, of steering her in the right direction and fervent prayer. I am a firm believer in prayer. I also believe that God does want us to rely on Him. He doesn't like ugly and he sure has an aversion for stupid and those that play stupid. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss but when we consciously look the other way, God does find a way to wake us up. He'll hold our hand, as we walk through the learning fires and comfort us when it's over. We'll then realize that the finest gold is tempered.
So, if you asked me, I'd say to tell your Sister, that you will pray with her, for her reassurance, wisdom and understanding. You will help her with the leads to agencies that may help her get on her feet, in a subsidized manner. That doesn't mean you do it for her. That means, you might look through the resources available to her and give her the phone numbers.
I think, the key issue that poses itself to me, is your Nephew, her son. She has got to realize, that she is not being the good mother, she thinks she's being. By allowing him to think he's getting over, that he's on a free ride, it has all the earmarkings of an entitlement personality. That is a behavior that facilitates a survivalist mentality. "I do what I have to do, to get along." It is the kind of person that is willing to explain away right from wrong, good from bad. They are best at giving, every explanation in the world, to justify their behavior. He'll make excuses to justify the very fact that he would take advantage of his own Mother, to meet his own trappings. I don't like it but Mom, your Sister has got to put her foot down and stop being a victim here. She's doing no one a favor. She's the one, that's going to suffer for it, while her son moves rosily along. He needs to step up to bat, man up and do the right thing. If he does not, mark my words, Mz.Karma will be calling.
Far be it from me to want to misdirect you. I advise you to pray fervently, for wisdom for yourself and your sister. Somehow, I feel if you can weather this storm and hold fast, not giving in, all the way, she will be forced to take action and do the right thing. The right thing would be, for her to require, from her son, some much needed assistance. He owes her that and it's a sad state of affairs that you, her sister, should even have to worry like this. Sometimes, we have to pray with our soul, a prayer from deep within us for God's will, to be done. Now, is one of those times, I believe, to pray and..."Let Go and Let God."

Buffaloed???

2007-03-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

There is this guy that just moved in and took over in my family. We don't really know who he is and he has been around for the past five years or so. He is 36 years old and living with my parents. My brother won't go anywhere unless he goes and he is forcing my parents to buy houses that they can't afford. I tried talking to my dad and mom but they just wont listen. They think it's all going to be ok and I don't know what else to do. I want this guy out of the picture so we all can be a family again and so my daughter can be raised without thinking that's her uncle. How else could I fix this without my parents getting mad at me?

Sincerely,

Lisa

Aunt B said...

Dear Lisa,

I am getting a gut reaction, as you obviously have. Something is not right but I can't put my finger on it. As I read your email, red flags went up. I am not stirred wrong, when I listen to my spirit/intuition, which is exactly what you have been hearing. No, we're not crazy, well maybe I am but you're in the clear, hahaha!

There are a few things you can do. Of course, this answer will be a bit vague, as I don't have every detail, to base my response on. My suggestions can be done in conjunction with one another.

First, if you feel safe enough to do so, you write a letter of intention to this guy, stating your concerns. You firmly state, that in a business sense, you are commanding him to back off, cease and desist any further business ventures, he proposes. You also state, that you will present your attorney, (even if you do not have or can not afford an attorney, you tell him this) a copy (cc) of the letter, you are handing him, stating your feelings, loud and clear; Cease and Desist.

Try to obtain, all the paper work on these houses. State, to your parents, that you would like to reveiw them, only in their best interest. It is apparent to me, an outsider, that this guy has an ulterior motive, right? I mean, why else would he have a vested interest in obtaining or having your parents invest in these homes. It is quite rare for anybody to do anything, of that nature, out of the kindness of their heart. No, I think this fella must be driven by a stake in the proceeds, in some way. This is what you need to investigate. Assuming that you do not have the money, to obtain counsel or a private detective, I would suggest you do a little investigative work on your own. If you are concerned about animosity between this guy or your parents, if you pry, I do believe it is public information for you to go to the courthouse and ask about each and every house and who is signed as the owners. I don't know where you live but most states, do disclose, who owns a home, each and every partner or co-owner. Contact the State Tax Assessor/Commissioner or whomever it is that you pay homeowners property taxes to.. If this guys name is listed or your parents have co-signed on the homes for him, it will be crystal clear that this guy has motive.

Now, this may sound a bit far fetched but I would go to your local Police Station and ask to speak to a Fraud Detective. I'm not saying that this guy has done anything illegal. But you stated that you do not know this guy, right? I mean, he waltzed in and buffaloed your parents and you have a true concern, not to mention a bad feeling about it all, right?

If nothing else, I know how most Police Departments operate, as well as the average Detective. I pretty much know what makes them tick, as well. So, let me tell you what to do;

You want to know who this guy is and what he's up to, correct? Then, you take yourself down to the station and speak with a Detective. If they ask you as to what it is regards to, you tell them, possible fraud. Then, you tell them you need to speak to a detective and will only speak to a detective. Once you have audience with the Detective, you tell him/her, exactly what is going on. You tell them, that you are concerned for your parents welfare and feel something is not right. Make sure you state that you have a suspicion that this guy is trying to take your parents for a ride and behaving in a fraudulent manner. They may say they have nothing to go on but I'll betcha, they 'll look at this guy. If he's done anything, in the past or has past criminal behavior, you can bet your butt, they'll investigate it. Most detectives, unless their workload is super heavy, will quickly run his name, if nothing else. So in this respect, the police may be able to do what you can't. You go in there and state your real concerns for your parents and explain the whole shebang, I'm inclined to believe that they will at least see if he has a criminal past and they may advise you as to how to proceed. It is what they are there for, so do not feel you are imposing. Do not feel like you are playing dumb. Actually, you are using every means possible to get to the bottom of this whole affair, with your parents, best interest, at stake. So, what I am saying is that you have every right to feel as you do and to take whatever action you may need to take, to secure their financial welfare. If that means, speaking to the Law, then you do it. I would start with the tax office and find out what you can. What you can not obtain, the Detectives can. The investigation is warranted, I feel and I think you are right for your concern. Now, go get 'em!
Please let me know what goes down, I am intrigued, myself now!

Weathering the Storms in Marriage

2007-02-24T13:16:00.001-05:00

I do not know it all, nor do I claim that I do. But I have learned a few things along the way. I've weathered, storm after storm in my life. Often times, I did not fare well, crumbled and cut my losses. Much of what has occurred to me, in my life, the good and the bad, has become ingrained. Most of it, I learned from.
I wrote a post on my blog Chronicles of Thankfulness, concerning marriage. Please read it, live and learn.

~Happy Valentines Day~

2007-02-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

I could never make a list, of all those I've loved. In one respect, I take love very seriously. In another, it has been a fleeting glimpse and passes like two ships in the night. As we mature, so does our definition of love. But if I tell you that I love you, I do and mean it and feel it. I do not give it out freely or rather, I don't say it with abandon. It is important to me. I really don't think there's a real definition, for true love. I've known, what I thought, was true love and walked away from it. I've hurt the ones I love and they forgave me.Those that I have loved hurt me terribly but when they asked for forgiveness, I gave it. Why? Because real, true love is unconditional. It doesn't require that you're perfection, beautiful or thin. It doesn't require money, wonderful clothes, car, home or sex. Love does not look for fault. For if you are looking for fault, you will find it.
Real love is actually uncomplicated. It is silence in a storm, a feeling with out a single word. It is the comfort of a simple kiss or embrace. It is that twinkle in your baby's eyes, that only a mother sees. It is a simple smile , maybe the very last one, before love, comfortable, everlasting love, slips away in death. So many to love, such little time. Love like there's no tomorrow.

love (lŭv) n.

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
1. Sexual passion.
2. Sexual intercourse.
3. A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
often Love Christianity. Charity.

My definition of love for my children and it may sound hokey but...

I would kill without blinking or take a bullet for my babies. They are now 31, 27,26 but they're still my babies and always will be. I mean this with every fiber of my being.

~The Friendship Test~

2007-02-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

hey aunt b!
this is just a quick question, a friend is throwing a valentines party this
weekend and you have to go as a couple. i told my best friend i would go
with her but then today a boy that i have only recently become friends with
asked me to go with him in a jokey way so i thought he was messing about and
without thinking i played along and said 'sure'. my friend was standing
there when he asked and was all like 'what was that about?' she thinks he
meant it but i'm not sure if he did :s i don't know what to do and if he did
mean it then what about my best friend?
love A*****

Aunt B said...

Dear A*****,

Well, I don't know how old you guys are but this might be one of those Best Friend tests? You will find that your BF, may very well not be, your real BF, if she doesn't understand and bow out gracefully. I mean, your BF could get jealous if you go with this guy, instead of her. If she does get jealous, she's not much of a BF, now is she? But I have seen the very best of the best, just hate for you to get in a relationship, especially if they're not in one. See, then all of a sudden, your attention is on this new guy. You're not calling them as much anymore. No, you'd rather talk with your boyfriend, for hours, as you can never get enough of him. The phone rings, you answer it and it's your BF and you're almost disappointed that it's not the guy. So, a wedge is often placed between you and your girl friend. That's just how life rolls and you can only hope to not hurt anybodies feelings, along the way. If you think you like this guy, I would explain to your friend that you don't want to hurt her or her feelings. But you'd really like to go with this guy so, you are hoping she would understand. Then you say,"You're my absolute BF
, so I just know you are cool about this, right?" Then, you tell her, if it was her going out, you'd be excited for her. She may feel second rate but nobody ever said life is exactly fair. We all must learn to ask ourselves what we would do, if the situation was reversed. Would it make you jealous or upset, if she were asked, instead of you? It might sting a little, right? Your friendship may be tried but maturity dictates that you try to behave in an adult, kindly and considerate manner. This means; Suck it up and try to be happy for your friend, even if you are a tad bit jealous. You smile, fix your hair, put on some fresh gloss and act with dignity.
Yes, if you like this guy, go with him to the party and have your girl friend read this. See, you were concerned enough about not hurting her, that you wrote me, made me aware that you want to do right by this BF cause she means that much to you. True friendship never dies, players just go away mad.

~New School Is In~

2007-02-11T18:20:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,
My school prom is coming up soon and I have been told that a boy is going to ask me to go with him, this boy told me he liked me a few months ago and I told him I already have a boyfriend (but I don’t really) because I don’t like him in that way. After he told me, we stopped talking to each other because it was awkward, but recently we started talking again. Now, so soon after, he is going to ask me to the prom and I don’t know what to say. If I say yes I’m worried about what he will expect, for example do I have to stay with him the whole time and would I have to dance with him, because I would find that really awkward. Please could you help me with my decision.

Thanks,
S.H.

~~~

Aunt B said...

Dear S.H.,

You seem to me, like a considerate person or I don't think you'd have bothered to ask me this question. I do not believe we are born with etiquette or even scruples, even moral fiber. It may be a learned behavior, passed down by our own parents, people who influence us and often those we respect the most. We also learn a beliefs and values system from the list of influences in our lives. I've even seen people who believe the crap on t.v. and soap opera's and adapt from it. This is probably where you get your Golddiggers and guys who'd be more suited to be a Pimp, rather than a boyfriend. Lest I forget the old school pupils, especially guys, who believe a woman is to be sub servant and when you marry, she becomes your property to use and do with, as they see fit. Submitting to your husband out of respect, (note the word Respect), and being sub servant, are two different things, the latter puts a nasty taste in my mouth. See, it takes all kinds to make the world go round but it can all be attributed to the variables of our influence and what we choose to take on as our own values and beliefs. Get the picture?

You've not given me too much to go on, thus a vague and broad approach. So, I'll try to cover the bases here. You've not stated, that you may believe, that you might not have a date for the prom? Is this why you are even considering going with this guy? I mean, for real, why else would you not simply tell this guy that you don't want to go? But I also noted that you told him, when he asked you out, that you had a boyfriend, just to block his pursuit, right? Don't think that I don't understand. It's very hard, to let someone down, who's trying to be nice and you gave him the best, safest, last minute explanation, you could muster on the moment. Possibly?

You asked my opinion but I think you already know the answer. You must do as your heart dictates, right? Prom decorum is not my strong suit. I was off with the stoners, at the time. Then, at 16, not thinking it would or could happen to me, I got pregnant. This was life altering as I walked up the isle to the alter, four months after my 16th birthday. Is that why they call it,"Standing at the Alter"? So, I was never at a Prom but I know this much; you must treat others the same way you want to be treated.
If you don't like people gossiping about you, not being honest, using you, making fun of you, stealing from you, fooling around on you, taking you for granted and the list could go on and on, then you don't do or behave any way, you wouldn't or shouldn't behave. I am a firm believer in Mz.Karma and what comes around, goes around. This is one of life's little lessons, I had to learn the hard way. Prison is full of people, who've met Mz.Karma. Society calls it justice but as I sat in Prison for 3 1/2 years, I got to know and love Mz.Karma. She taught me well, all about treating people as I wanted to be treated. Yes, this is a harsher version of life and I seriously doubt you will end up as I did. I tell you this as a life lesson, for good reason. We all, formerly meet Mz.Karma Bitchslap, in one way or another, even on a small basis. If you remember these words and practice them, all the days of your life, she'll be your best friend. You can sit back, with amusement and watch as she deals with people everyday, in every way. Those with no compassion, will endure the likeness of that which they did not understand. Those that lived with disregard, towards others, will know her on a first name basis and she will give them a jagged pill to swallow. I know, I lived it.
I am not implying that you behaved sordidly. I am telling you all this, so you may make your own decision. I feel things, I can not explain. We'll call it "Intuitiveness." I am also very Empathic. My intuition tells me that you're a good hearted person who is an individual/independent person, who marches to their own drummer. You want to do the right thing, I know this. So, ask yourself this; if the tables were turned and you wanted to go to the Prom with this guy cause you thought he was all that and you asked him to go to the Prom, what do you want from him? Do you want him to say yes, only to kinda dump you, you know, once you get there? Would it hurt you, for him to walk away and dance with other girls and then, leave with his friends for the after Prom parties? Then, you'd probably be wondering why he even said "yes", when you asked him to go with you?

If you do choose to go with this guy, it won't kill you to dance with him and to hang out. You may find it truly nice to be with someone who thinks you're all that. Live without regret. If you don't think you can get over that awkward feeling, which is worse...sitting home on Prom night or going and telling yourself that it's a date, hopefully, the first of many, in your life and you will commit to having a good time. Going to Prom does not give him license to act like an ass and to push you to do something you're not comfortable with. Do I read between the lines that this may be your concern, that he may want to cash in on his investment? If this is the true reason you are apprehensive, then let's approach this, ok?
Every chick in the world needs to know this; going on a date with any guy does not mean that you owe them jack shit. Nor does a guy buying you a drink, once you're old enough to go out clubbing or whatever. If he buys you dinner and diamonds, it still is not an invite or obligation that you must put out. If you meet a guy who's like this, it's a good indication that he's a peckerhead not worth wasting your time with. True love is rarely found in a one night stand or giving into a guys advances early in the program. Oh sure, they'll talk shit but deep in their mind, they're thinking you're easy and not the kinda chick they'd want to meet their Mom. Nope, they're actually thinking that you're a sleazebucket who puts out and you can bet your butt, all his buddies will know all about it. If this is your real concern and the true meaning of your angst and awkward feeling about this dude, then you must read and re-read this.

If you then choose to go out with this guy on Prom night, I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date. It's a test for you both. Is his motive, to take you to Prom and then get into your pants? Can you go out, on Prom night, have a good time, enjoy his company and stand your ground?
Put on your Bitch Belt and wear it like Prada, Sister!

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email...

Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful and somewhat inspirational :)
I've learned a lot from your advice and it has helped me and will definitely help me in the future as well!
Thanks again
S.H.

The Domino Effect

2007-02-08T11:12:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi Aunt B... this is the first time I've ever asked for advice from anyone
and you seem like a nice person to ask, so here goes

My name is ***** and I'm 15, and there is a girl that goes to my school who
a lot of my friends are friends with (if that makes sense). We went out for
about a week, but she dumped me for some1 else, some1 she had known longer
and went out with him. She explained to me why and I have no hard feelings
against (sorry i cant spell) him. That relationship lasted about a month. Now
its about 1 and a half months later and shes been alienating people. Shes
angry at her best friend and thinks that everyone thinks shes bitchy and
apathetic, and thinks no one cares. She told me a few days ago that I'm one of
the only people she can talk to anymore. I really care about her and want
her to know that I care without seeming to try to win her back. Her sister
moved away not long ago and i know that no1 can comfort her like she does,
but i want her to know that she is cared about and that she still has
friends that will be their for her.

Sincerely,

misunderstood existence

Aunt B said...

Dear Misunderstood Existence,

You already earned my respect and props, for being a stand-up guy. I just wanted you to know that.
I am almost as old as God but I sure can remember what young love, gone awry, can be and feel like. I take it, that you like this girl but don't want to seem like you are hitting on her or have D.L. intentions, right? You've already proven, at least to me, that your intentions are more than honorable. You would be a liar, if you told yourself that you didn't have a wish, that this chick would view you in a different light, right? Well, there's not a thing wrong with having honest emotions, my friend. Own them , keep them in check and listen to me.
Every true and long lasting relationship, starts with friendship. Most long term couples, found that they stayed the distance because they were with their best friend. When a couple digs in, for the long haul, it is usually with someone of similar interests. It must be someone you enjoy talking to. It must be someone you enjoy pleasing, remember this, all the days of your life, ya hear me? Repeat it in your head. It has to be someone that you respect, as a person. If you respect that person, you will trust them, their emotions, trust them to hold your love for them above all things.
Now, I know you have not mentioned love. A good example of young love is this; Have you been in love yet? I'll bet you have, she has, I have, we all have. First, there are so many types and kinds of love and even more definitions. As you grow older, how you look at and embrace love, changes and evolves. Young love is a proving ground. My point was or is, have you fallen head over heels in love, they took your breathe away, when you saw them, you thought you couldn't live without them and they became your whole world? If you've not yet, felt this, you will. You have all this emotion wrapped up, in this one person and they let you down or hurt you, did some kinda dirt and you broke up. You walked away thinking, "Just what in the h*ll did I see in this person, they are so nasty?" They may be literally ugly to you because...love is dumb, blind, crippled and crazy...just the way it should be. Looks should never matter but love does tend to help you overlook a persons shortcomings, thank goodness. True love, does not search for fault, remember that!
I tell you all this, not to down play your feelings and emotions or your girls. I tell you, so you can see that love is a tricky bugger. But the true stuff, the right stuff, the kind dreams are made of, come from true to life friendship, first and foremost.
I'm telling you to be her friend. Be that person she knows she can count on and talk to. Tell her that you'll be there for her, as her friend and state that you're not trying to hit on her. Make it clear that there are no strings attached to your friendship, it's free and real.

The Clincher

You must prepare yourself. She may take your offer and run with it, only to begin dating or seeing someone else. You may always be nothing but a friend. It may even be painful to stand on the sidelines, cheering on, a chick, you have feelings for. But at the same time, through your friendship, no strings attached, you may get to know her and find that you really have nothing in common but friendship. This is why, years ago, people dated, a long time, before they became serious and took their relationship to the next level, get my drift? That next level can complicate things, tremendously. You've got to be strong in the best friend department before you can with stand, marriage, sex, children, finances and all the other crap that real couples must weather. Comprenda?

The Domino Effect

Your friendship is gonna be the most important part, the integral piece to your relationship whether it is with this girl or any girl, ever. By being her friend first, she may become close to you. Most chicks marry a guy they felt safe with, emotionally, unless she's a gold digger. You let her be safe with you. You listen to her and her feelings, I mean, really listen.
If it's meant to be, she's gonna see that you are really a good guy. She may eventually see that you listen to her. This is one of the first mistakes, a guy makes, cause he didn't listen. Most chicks love to talk about themselves. So, if you try to get to know her and are inquisitive, she'll see a natural interest but she'll feel safe, to open up and give you more of herself, more than she gives others. Be that friend, who she can count on, who listens. If it is meant to be, it'll all fall in to perfect order, just like a Domino Effect.
Let me know, down the line, how things go and feel free to contact me anytime, lovie.

Big Hugs,
Aunt B

~Wild Horses~

2007-02-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hi Aunt B,

I've been having this issue with a co-worker. I've worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn't very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I'm not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occations taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him "I was going to hump him someday" Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I'm pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I've seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn't like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those "I want you" eyes. He calls me "My Love" and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I'm pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I'd settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn't act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.

Lonely and Confused in

South Dakota

Aunt B said...

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, "take my breath away" feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he's a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this "fool around" mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She's obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There's always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she's a bitch because she's got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they're not married, he's not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I'll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with.... Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we're the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he's in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you'll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don't fall prey to his games. Don't allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he's really interested, he'll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he'll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn't break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing...never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you've seen him in action, don't ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don't leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B

Just A Little Prayer...

2007-02-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

~A Flower Blooms~

2007-01-30T07:17:00.000-05:00

Egyptian Flower

This was sent to Aunt B via Email

Dear Aunt B,
am a 19 years old Egyptian gal . i'll try to keep my story short. 6 months ago friends of my family were invited over and we were there too.next day grandpa told me that their son said he admires me (keeping in my mind we didnt speak a word together) next thing i know we're all out again . to be honest that day we talked , not much about life , but that little bit gave me a good impression . we all traveled in a couple of days and there started the disaster. I started realizing we're not compatible at all, when i said so my parents thought i had a problem and they nagged about me giving him another chance . They actually never stopped underestimating me and saying am not worth better than him . first i thought i had commitment fear issues and decided to give him another chance. I started treating him real well although i never for once felt i loved him ! During those 5 new months i realized he's a big liar , a trouble maker and someone who totally does not care about me. He tells me my mom told him stuff than when i ask her she says she never said such things. He talks badly about my parents , does not respect my opinions , friends or anyone. We're always fighting and he always calls my mom to get her to convince me give him another chance. a couple of days ago we had another fight ( always stupid ones , that this one was about me waving to a guy i know who was passing beside us), that was when i really hit rock bottom , i told him that was not gonna work out and that i wont take it anymore. like every time he sent me a flower ( i dont believe this is out of apology , i think it's just to show my parents he does nice things ) this time it didnt work for me either and i just could not call him . his mom called yesterday to know what happened and that is when she knew everything and she made him call me after that( although he didnt call all day long to check on me knowing that i have exams and am upset with him ) when i asked him if he was going to call alone without someone telling him ,he said no. The thing is i was gonna end this yesterday but again he said he'll change , i honestly listened to this i will change from him a 100 times and he never changes a bit. i dont know what to do , i dont like him anymore and at the same time i dont want to upset my mom because she really wants this to work out.
i really need your advice am so torn apart .
yours sincerely
anonymous-gal

Aunt B said...

Dear Anonymous Gal,
Far be it from me, to put a wall between you and your family, especially, your Mom. But if you are saying these things and feel all this, from an early stage in the relationship, then I think you should listen to your gut instincts, what your Spirit dictates. You seem, rather wise for your years and you also seem responsible, even with your emotions. You are 19 years old, an adult, here in the U.S. but I do know that old school Egyptian protocol would be to listen to your Mother, always. You must respect her, right? Always respect your Mom but take control of your life. You are not a little girl and they must not treat you as such. Mom is trying to make things work, as he obviously, has snow balled her, pulled the wool over her eyes.
Something does not sit well with me, on this. I have a bad feeling that he will not change and it may get worse.
Out of respect, I think you need to sit down with Mom and tell her, that you love and respect her. Tell her that she must look in to your eyes and see the pain this guy causes you. She must try to see that, you already know that he will not make you happy because of the lying and manipulation he uses, so easily. Obviously, your heart and soul, does not trust him. He uses your Mom against you and that right there is so wrong. You may have to tell her that he has been manipulating her too. You can not do, say or think, in an underhanded way, all in the name of love. He has done this. Tell Mom, that you simply need time away from him. If it is truly meant to be, he'll wait and he'll wait patiently. Between you and me, I don't think he will really wait. My gut insinct tells me that he may be a control freak. If he is, it only validates his manhood, if he controls another. The test will be, if he waits or he moves on quickly. You are young and have time. I know it often feels like you must have things right, right now, today. But you have time. I get the feeling that you are attractive, not beautiful but very attractive, inside and out. You will have no problem moving on, finding another. But time is on your side, keep saying this to yourself. There's nothing worse than growing old and having regrets. But if you live your life with the mind set, that you will try to live without regret, you be doing yourself a big favor.
Step away from the situation, as soon as possible. Tell Mom, you really need time to think. Tell her that you respect her opinion and you want her blessings, in whatever you do. Hold her face, make her look into your eyes. Make her see the pain, this guy brings to you. Make sure that she understands, that something is not right and you need time. See, she really only wants you to be happy. But this guy has her seeing the side, he wants her to see and not the whole story. If she has faith, tell her, that you need her to pray about this, that the scales will be taken down from the seeing eye, of her soul. Tell her to search her own soul for the truth and you do the same.
Time is on your side. You do not have to do anything, right now. If he is pressuring you, tell him to back off, that you need time. Confront him with the lies and deception and tell him this is not a good start for any relationship. You may also, tell him to write me, even though I doubt he would. I would just love to hear his side of this story, though. There are always 3 sides to any story, right? There's yours, his and the facts. There is always a reason behind the things we do, a motive to the madness. As example, when you waved at that guy, he became very jealous. Though it may not be right, it may be a normal reaction, right? I mean, if he was waving, all friendly, to some good-looking, really hot chick, how would you feel? Would it cause any jealousy on your part? Always place yourself in their shoes. This will help you understand, why he does, what he does. I think he's desperate, thus he has done the things, he's done.

The Solution

I think you should speak to Mom and really tell her, just how badly this sits with you. Tell her that something is not right and she is not seeing it. Pray that she will. If you are not a believer, then I suggest, that you own your emotions, own your life by taking the control back. Refuse to be forced into a life, love, situation and possibly marriage, based on a lack of trust, deception and under handed behaviors. Then, test the waters. The true exam for this guy to pass, is if he will allow some time between you. If he really loves you, he will wait and think about why, you need time. It may be a wake up call, for him. Never change who you are for anybody. Bending is one thing but to alter the core of your very being, is wrong. Allow me to point out the fact, that you can not really change him, either. He has ingrained behaviors, life long values and beliefs. It takes quite the person to completely change this. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks but it usually takes a shock collar. In other words, if he might truly improve himself, to be honest, trusting and an above board kinda guy, he must have the shock of his life and he must truly be in love with you. Let him prove it. Yes, you are worth it, you are all that and never think any less of yourself. I can already tell, or feel, that you are a good woman and you will be a good wife. Here, let me beat this into you, lol! It's all about time, girlfriend and time is on your side. Sit Mom down, tell her from your heart, let her see this as it actually is. You have arrived as a woman, when you can respect and appreciate your Mother and she then becomes your friend, someone you not only love but like. Take control, in a respectful manner and have her sit with you, not as your Mother but as your life long friend. Once you are able to do this, all else will fall into place. Remember, you have a right to be happy, ok?
Please let me know how all this goes, please? I wish you only the very best and a very happy life. You are worth it. Did you hear me? Yes, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful flower, just beginning to bloom.

Big Love,

Aunt B

I received this comment back from Anonymous Gal...

Dear Babs
you have no idea how your reply made me feel :) . I really appreciate your caring and am so sorry to hear about your surgery hope it is nothing serious. I am a believer and believe that things will always go to the right direction even if i don't see it now. I will keep praying and i already talked to mom the other day . he has a last chance to prove his love and to change , because that could be the only thing that would make this relationship move forward. pray for me and thank you for thinking highly of me :). I will certainly stay in touch with you . I appreciate having you as a friend. Wish you all the luck with your surgery , i will pray for you and hope you get well soon. Please tell me when you are back safe and sound .
hope you get well soon and thank you very much for making my day with your lovely words.
yours sincerely

PRIORITIES AND PERSPECTIVE=SOLUTION

2007-01-23T06:45:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

In March of 2005, before Anthony and I were together, he met a girl on an online dating service. They had a one night stand. A few days later he emailed her and told her that he didn’t feel it would work and he didn’t want to see her again. The next day she told him she was pregnant. Anthony was honest with her from the very beginning by telling her that there was no chance they would be together. He tried to convince her that abortion or adoption would be best based on the situation. When she insisted on having the baby he told her he would support her decision and pay her support, etc. She continued to “fatal attraction” pursue him. He maintained he wasn’t interested in her. Shortly after this Anthony and I met hit it off and I moved in. This enraged this other woman. She fought with Anthony her entire pregnancy. She refused to give his son his last name. She named the baby Cooper because Anthony told her he didn’t like it. She told him he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room (later she did allow it). Once the baby was born she did everything in her power to keep Anthony from the baby. She would only allow him to visit the baby in her home and only for an hour at a time. They both got attorneys. Anthony fought to see the baby 4 times a week for the hour she would allow. Once his attorney sent her a letter requesting 2 hour visits to take place in our home she packed up her house, yanked her 6yr old twins from school, and moved 6 hours away to her mother’s house to keep Anthony from seeing his son. The child is 13 months old now and still lives far away. Anthony has been seeing the child once a month for 3 days for 5 hours each day. The mother is still horrible to deal with. We are married with a baby due in May. This is negatively affecting our home life now too. Here is the dilemma: Anthony is seriously considering cutting ties from his son. He would continue to send child support but would not see him or his mother anymore. He believes this would minimize the stress and turmoil that we believe is endless. We believe that the mother will never come around and allow this to be anything but dysfunctional. Anthony doesn’t want to continue to allow the mother to cause us trouble. As it is, she only allows short visits not parenting time. He doesn’t know what to do and I feel like my opinion is biased. He’s hung up on the “what if”. What if this decision hurts the baby? What will other people think? Would this make him a “dead beat” dad? At the same time he feels like his priority is with us, his current family. He wants to make a decision soon because right now the baby wouldn’t know the difference if he didn’t see Anthony anymore but later on that won’t be the case. This has morally got him tied in knots. Any advice or insight would be helpful. D.H. of W.F.

Aunt B said...

Dear D.H.,

Hmmm, You've got me feeling this one. There's not much of an answer here but a solution you can all live with. There are too many variables and at least one little persons life at stake, possibly two with your own unborn child. I do not take this lightly. In fact, it makes me wanna run for higher ground but I won't run and neither should you. Let's start with this definition of a deadbeat Dad;

Noun 1. deadbeat dad - a father who defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring deadbeat, defaulter - someone who fails to meet a financial obligation

This is societies definition. We can never give everything we want to give, to our children but we should try to show some responsibility. Even if, you guys are in a pickle and you must curtail some payment to this child, never stop completely and always keep receipts. I am not encouraging you to stop payment but if you have to minimize, try to pay something every month, it at least shows effort on your part. If you can't afford to send something as a good will gesture, you can not afford to buy luxury items, upgrades and the like. Remember this. I am not implying that he is not looking at his life responsibly, only making a statement for future reference. It is important, for your husband to realize his financial obligation and I believe he is. It is important for you to take him as he is, for richer for poorer. You can not refuse the past, his past but you can take control of it. It looks like he is trying...kudos!
My gut feeling is this; this chick is using his son as a pawn. She is bitter and trying to make it as difficult as possible for him to maintain ties. I think he has gone above and beyond and in many respects, this is commendable.
This is an all around bad situation, especially or rather, in many ways for you. Your husband needs to set some restraint on the situation with the ex/one niter, I agree with you both.
Take control back. I would not say that it is selfish of you to want your husband's time and devotion to go to you and your unborn child. He needs to concentrate his efforts in your direction...for a time. I really feel that you need to keep yourself as stress free as possible. Is it possible that to curtail the visitation or better yet, place it on a minimum level for now might be the answer? It may serve a multi-purpose.
I'm all about realizing we have choices in everything we do or have done. We often do not realize, those choices, till things are said and done. But if we have a,
"before catch," meaning if we realize we have choices before we do something stupid or regretful, we are more in control. In addition to this, when we look in the mirror and do not lie to ourselves but stand true, we are able to see any overcast or stumbling blocks, that may very well hinder us, emotionally. Emotionally, this woman is hindering you both, not their son but the mother. By taking back control and calling the shots, you set the agenda. As I said before, I believe his efforts need to be, to that which is important, right now. That would be your unborn child. I truly believe that if you have a stressful pregnancy it may affect the child. Call me daffy but this is just life experience, not medical fact, that I know of. To be able to enjoy your birthing/newborn experience, you must realize the importance of it and calibrate by it.
Choices.
I do not think he should cut all ties, as it will and can be used against him later. It will be thrown in his face. There is a way around that though. He needs to keep an open file,literally and figuratively, all about his son. If he sends $5 to his son, even if it seems petty, he needs to have record of it. When he can not visit, he should call and own the conversation. Simple and brief, asking only about the well being of his child, she does not need to know his business. You want things amicable but you may have to view it as a business venture. He should write down a brief on each and every conversation, date and time. In a legal aspect, he is doing his part, I know from experience, by making these ,
"caring calls."
You did not tell me if either have custody of the child or if the court has been involved at all? If they have, he must abide to the letter or go back in front of the judge for modification. If he was given or granted visitation and he varies from it, he can be held in contempt. If no court intervention has taken place, assuming his name is on the birth certificate, he has as many rights as she does and may call the shots within reason. If he wants to visit, he needs to give 48 hours notice and she needs to try to accommodate the visit, without excuse and within reason. He will only keep this upper hand, if he stays in touch, concerning the welfare of his son. If you asked me, I would tell you that the early years are more important, the child being, primarily with the mother. I think he could afford to step back and regroup for the sake of your child, together. You did ask my opinion and I am going to tell you what I feel. I am not a legal expert but can only tell you what I have learned through life experience. To cover all bases, let me say this;
I feel that a child needs the influence of two parents. But anything you say or do, give or take, can and will be misconstrued by all or any of your children. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. All you can strive to do is instill good values and a belief system that will sustain them and hope that they become sound citizens.
In days gone by, the mother stayed home and the father worked. See, it's not so much about the quantity of time but the quality, using your time together in a constructive manner. Back then, the father often had one day, usually Sunday and he spent it at home, hopefully with his children. It is not so much or so important to spend every waking moment with your child but using and utilizing the time you do have together to instill what is important; your values and beliefs. It can be a time for teaching. But this can go on later, when his son is older.
This letter is to you. You feel guilty because you need the attention of your husband. Do not feel guilty, as you have a right and valid need. You are married to him and his first priority is you and your unborn child. He is torn between being a good father to his son and a good husband, right now. I say, he can do both but his main concern should be to you and your baby. He must have a strategy to make this work. Why not tell the other mother that right now, he needs to direct himself differently. If he says it any other way, it may be spit back in his face. He can call, concerning his son. He can send a check specifically noted, for the purchase of pictures. I think the important thing, is for him to realize that he can call the shots and to stand firm. He can not allow this woman to infiltrate his or your space. Own the situation, take charge for the sake of all involved. We need more men, like your husband, who actually have a real concern for their children. Tell him to read this. Tell him to step back, we're gonna punt here. He must prioritize things. His son does not need to take a backseat to his new child. The child in his heart, is his son and he can not help how the mother is.
Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a lifetime to realize that a parent was trying, they were there if only in spirit and they were loved. But it is important to put things into perspective and have priorities. It is a survival instinct to want to walk away from a painful situation, is it not? This relationship, with this ex, is volatile and she is using it, thus far, to her advantage. Now, I'm telling your husband, to set the plays, call the shots and be the quarterback. If he takes charge and tells her like it is, he has been more than honest. If it is not within the scope of things, to visit, he needs to call and inquire. He should continue to send something in the form of support, I don't care if it's $10-$20-$30, it shows that he is trying and just like a creditor, they can not refuse, even a small payment and they can not hold it against you. But you blow it off and it will blow up in your face. Making an effort can never, ever be hurtful, right? Even on a minimal, level, which I recommend, you can't be called on it and your child can never think, years down the road, that he was not loved.
All we can try to do, is love our children, make sure they are attended to and provided for. He does owe his son this, does he not? But that does not mean has to cow tow to an unreasonable mother, who is only trying to hurt him and hit him where it hurts. I'll feel a whole lot better, if he puts her ass in place and realizes, he does in fact have rights that go along with his obligation.
Choices.
He may write a formal document, sent registered mail, with the contents of his intention. Within the scope of this letter, he may make it clear that he does not want to speak with this woman on a personal level but only about the welfare of his son. Make it known that she has made it nearly impossible for him to visit his son and to have a sound relationship. Then, he must tell her, that for the moment, until she has a change of venue, he must curtail the situation. See, this now puts the accountability on her. She will see that she is to blame, if the child does not have constant visit. You have covered all bases. Keep a copy of the letter, in the file, along with the phone log and any and all support, gift, etc. payments.
Choices.
I hope you have a good life. It sounds like you have a good man and you both are trying to do the right thing. Please let me know how this all goes down. If I can help you in any other way, you are welcome to write. I pray you have a healthy child and are able to enjoy this pregnancy, birth and the experience of it all. Be good to yourself.

Big Love,

Aunt B

DUMB IS ONLY DUMB IF YOU ARE DUMB

2007-01-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

This question was sent to Aunt B via email...

My Question,

If someone was called a dummy all of its life from childhood through adulthood. What effect do you think it will have on that person?

D

Aunt B said...

Dear D,

This is a very broad question. The variables, the environment and so on, can make or break this situation and this life.
I truly believe, that we should have to take psychological tests to determine if we are fit to parent. Of course, that will never happen but it is sure wishful thinking, isn't it?
As a parent we must be responsible, more responsible than we are, concerning what we say and our actions concerning our children. You should never discipline your children in the heat of anger or in rage. Send them to their room till you calm. This has a two-fold effect; it gives the child time to think on the issue at hand and more importantly, it gives you time to think on how to handle the dilemma and to squash a tendency to act out inappropriately. As parents, we don't realize, till it's too late, that what we say to our children, they often take literally. To be a parent is a huge responsibility that we take too lightly. We are given children, actually as a gift from the Big Guy, to shape and mold into productive people. We must show, by example, good stewardship, good citizenry and basic good qualities as a human being. We have actually fallen short on this one, haven't we?
I don't know if you are asking me this because this happened to you or maybe a spouse has been doing this to one of your own children but yes, it will effect that child. The question is, will that child choose to rise above the criticism and put things into perspective for themselves? The other question is will you be able to forgive the parent or person that said these derogatory things to you?
As children, if we take things as literally as they are often presented, we will perish emotionally. We must learn to be like an onion. We must have a thick skin, with many layers that can and will be peeled off before they get to the core of your being. You must also learn to put things into perspective. Always look at what is said, own what you must, improve what you can and shove the rest into the garbage. I'm quite sure that you are not dumb but I'm quite sure that whomever continually spoke these words, must've been someone that you respected, loved or tried to care for? You tend to take everything literally when a parent or someone of importance, tells you things. A child is so impressionable. Just in example is the Santa Claus effect. Now really, we believed as children that a fat dude, slipped down our chimney with a sack that carried toys for all children, the world over and he arrived there on a sleigh, through the air, pulled by reindeer. Now, if that's not a crock of shit, nothing is but we believe our parents, don't we? I did, you probably did, we all did, right? We also tend to believe them we they tell us we are fat, stupid, dumb, ugly, nasty, retarded and the list goes on.
As parents, we need to be held accountable and I believe when we go to heaven, we will be but why not take a long hard look at what we do say to our children and be responsible, taking our "job" as parent more seriously?
In answer to your question, yes a person can be mortally wounded by words, especially those spoken in anger. Hopefully, that child will rise above it and realize that they are not dumb or whatever and will grow from it instead of being stunted. You can become a better person from your trials and tribulations in life and acquire the ability to always look in the mirror, keeping yourself in check, not repeating the cycle of abusive language, with a realization that words are a double edged sword; they cut both ways.
D, I'm telling you that you are not dumb and you must forgive whomever it is that said this. Animosity and anger are the angst that will do you in. They only harm you. There is empowerment in taking charge of what you allow to offend you. You can choose to rise above this and you can choose not to allow anything that is said to hurt you. Make that choice, take control and forgive. I will look forward to hearing from you, after you have practiced this empowerment. You look in the mirror and repeat after me...
I am all that and a box of Godiva!

The FruitCake Lady

2006-12-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

The Queen of in your face Advice, my Mentor
JAY LENO SHOW ANNOUNCES...

We're saddened to announce the passing of Marie Rudisill, our beloved "Fruitcake Lady." She died Saturday, November 3rd in Hudson, Florida. Born Edna Marie Faulk in Monroeville, Alabama, she was aunt to Truman Capote, and helped to raise him in Alabama and New York City when he was still young.
CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST

I swear this is me in about 20 years. This is the funniest shit, I've seen in a long time!!

(Thanks Wys)

THE ROYAL FLUSH

2006-12-06T06:28:00.001-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I just don't know what to do?

Hi, and how are you today? Better then me I hope. N-E-Ways. I am a 23 year old female married to a 40 year old and have a relationship problem. I feel in order for you to fully understand my situation, I should give you some past information. See I met my husband about 4 or 5 years ago. I was with my ex and doing drugs and prostituting. He was a guy that picked me up. He was married at the time, but like all men say, he said his relationship was on the rocks and they slept in different rooms, exc. He came by to see me just about everyday and we became close, very close. He would pick me up and we wouldn't do anything sexual most of the time, we would just talk. Well I ended up leaving my ex for him. He divorced his wife and we are now married and living together as of 11/05. I have not done drugs since I have been with him, well I did slip once, but that was all. See we were all drunk and he ended up having sex with my sister, I left went back to my ex for about a week and got high. But we worked things out and I came back. He is a very controlling man. I am not allowed to talk to my family, which I can understand considering my mom is a real bad crack addict. But he doesn't want me having any friends. He says I can have friends, so I do have 2. But every time I talk to them he gets mad I'm on the phone. I am not allowed to go out anywhere with them. Nothing! I don't work, and I don't have a car. Well I had a car, but he sold it because He didn't want me to have that much freedom. I have a seizure disorder. So basically my life consists of staying home all the time, taking care of his 13 year old son, cleaning, cooking, and giving oral sex to my husband on demand, which is a least once a day. Now there are a few things I don't know what to do about. His son is 13 and he buys him whatever he wants. I suggested that maybe it is about time for his son to help out around the house. I'm not saying he has to do everything, but making his bed and taking the garbage out I think are reasonable request. He only makes his bed when I yell and even then usually my husband will do it for him and the garbage sits there till I get sick of looking at it and end up taking it out, or my husband once again does it for him. I get frustrated because I tell him to do something then his dad does it for him and it's sending the message that he does not have to listen to me. I tried talking to my husband and I turn into a bad guy for "picking on a 13 year old" What should I do???? Now my other problem. Back to the friends thing. I Started a my space account and started chatting with people on line. I posted pictures and people vote on them. We about a two weeks ago this guy john sent me a message. I wrote him back and told him to vote on my picture. Well we have been writing and joking around. He read my profile and saw I lived in portage and I guess he lives like 4 hours away. Well he sends me a message joking saying he can't vote on my picture because a picture don't do justice and he wanted to see what I really looked like. I didn't respond. Two days later I got a new message from him saying he voted me a 10. So I left him a comment saying "Hey babe, thanks for taking all the time to come all the way over here to see me so and rating me a ten." Now I didn't mean it in the way that he actually came out here, I was being sarcastic because of his previous comment. Well my husband likes to check up and see the sites I go to on line and I guess he went to this guys page and say what I said. He got mad and started accusing me of having guys over and stuff. I told him he was really taking the message the wrong way. That How it sounds is not how it was meant. But he was still just being mean about it. So in order to make him feel better I deleted my, my space ,account. That way I couldn't be accused of nothing. I would rather go without talking to anyone then talking to people and being accused of cheating. So I thought that was the end of it, but when I called him on his cell phone later, I said hey papa. He goes" what are you calling me papa for you called john babe" I told him there was no meaning behind it. I have the two friends who are both females and I call them dear, and honey. He knows that. I didn't mean any harm by it and I deleted the whole my space account just to prove it, why is he still being an ass about it. So, what should I do??? What else can I do?? I love him but I don't know if this relationship is more trouble then it is worth. He is a ultimately a good man. But it seems as if he loves fighting over stupid petty stuff. I love him so much and everything I do is to please him. I cook everyday. The house is always clean. I don't cheat. I don't go out. I give him head on demand. What else could a man want. I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.

Sincerely,

Confused Krissy

Aunt B said...

Dearest Krissy,
This one is easy, a no brainer, yet it's one of the most complicated letters, I've received to date. I have very mixed emotions here, I really do. I've been in that "Controlled" situation. Quick homework assignment;
Stockholm Syndrome.
I did your life for close to 19 years. so I do have a grasp of the situation. I danced topless when my 1st husband found me, I thought he rescued me. The man adored me but after a few years, I grew weary of being Fathered by my husband. But then, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with #2 and he was so controlling and abusive. "I" changed who I was to meet his needs. I quit talking to family, friends and basically became secluded. My children were my refuse and yet, if I showed any affection towards them, when he was around, he found something to bitch them out about.
If we choose to, as people often do, we can find redeeming qualities in a rattlesnake. That is what I did and often told him he had the passion of one.
It is possible, that you have done the same thing. Right or wrong, this is something you either accept as your lot in life or you rise above it.
Example; he slept with your sister, ouch, that's gotta hurt. But it doesn't sound to me as if you are throwing it in his face. He may genuinely be hurt or may have a lack of trust because he does think that you fooled around with the MySpace guy. But he is also using it to keep you in check. He just doesn't know how good he's got it. But he's gambling that if he makes you feel like a little whore, you'll do your best to be a good girl and try to make it up to him. Fuck, I hate to say it girlfriend, but you're every man's dream of the perfect Concubine. Now, don't take offense to that. I'd call you a Courtesan but he's not royalty. Would sex slave,housekeeper, babysitter be a better term? He just doesn't know how good he's got it or maybe he does and is doing his best to keep you in your place, know where you are at all times and make you never give any attention to anything or anybody but him. When they come out with the Robotic capabilities of life size, life like women, I'm sorry but you will be replaced. A robot won't bitch about his kid or sass back, right?
His kid needs to do what he's told and respect what you ask of him. What he's breeding is a lazy little shit who'll screw up and never take responsibility, will not have good habits ingrained in him and will probably not have good habits. Often, we need to be good parents and less of a friend to our children, for their own good. But if his Dad or you tell him to do something and he doesn't and Dad turns around and picks up the slack, then the kid thinks his Dad is a chump and he can get away with shit. Mark my words, that kid will look for easy targets, the rest of his life. No, it's the little things like that, which are teaching tools and Dad is setting a pretty bad example. Making your bed and taking out the garbage are next to nothing and if he can't manage that, you watch, he'll not make it in the big bad world. Nope, we have to know that there are true and real consequences for our actions or we don't take life seriously. He sure as hell, doesn't respect his Dad or he'd do what was reasonably asked.
Back to you. Krissy, you're going to have to ask yourself, really what do you want in this life? I'm quite sure, it's not the lifestyle that hooking offers. That is one of the harshest worlds and you may feel like this guy saved you from that stark reality. In a sense he did. I want you to begin to gather your strength. I want you to begin to feel like more than a sex toy. I want you to look in the mirror and see the really wonderful woman you are. I want you to see, what you have to offer, to give, to some guy that deserves you. I could tell you that you deserve better but you don't believe it, now do you?
My advice to you is this; I don't think that you really realize that you are holding a hand full of Aces. What is the absolute worst thing this guy can do to you? Can he send you packing and back to a life, working the streets? Well, yes he could send you packing but he won't, he's not stupid. He'd be giving up the all time dream gig. If he is not abusive, which you didn't mention and I hope that is not going on, as I've been there, then what can he really do to you, you know to really hurt you? You've already lived a rough life and I'm sure you don't want to go back to hustling, I wouldn't but if it happened tomorrow, it sure wouldn't be the worst thing, would it as you can handle it. I'm not encouraging you to go back out. What I'm saying is I want you to put things back into perspective and look at your life as it is, can be, could be and what it won't be if you do not realize that in fact, you are calling the shots! Now, let's weigh this out for him, ok? Before you; He can go back to his lonely life, making his kids bed, doing his own housework, eating crappy meals and even paying for his sex. OR, he can wise up, realize that he has a good gal, who's not afraid of life and living it, keeps his home for him, looks after and tries to encourage his brat teen kid to do the right thing so he may just be an asset to his community, instead of a burden, cooks him a hot meal and his most certainly a woman any man would look forward to coming home to? I'm telling you, he will not throw all this away! He would be a fucking idiot, if he did and I'm quite sure that he's aware of it or was at one point. I think you may need to remind him. I ask you to take a chance and have him read this, if you dare. In the event that he does, I want him to realize just what he has, that so many men would wish they had. Even if you are not a princess or the best looking chick to walk down the pike, you can do better than to be treated any less than you should be or any less than a good woman deserves. I'll bet you just didn't see it this way. I also have a personal message for you and will include it with this link. I wish you only the very best. I encourage you to look in the mirror and stop sabotaging yourself. You've put yourself through enough already, it is your turn to have a good moment in life. You deserve to be happy and I hope you hear me.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2006-11-25T14:52:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B-

I found your website and like your style. I am not a spring chicken 48 but I still have some pep in my step. Problems Problems!

I have done the drug thing myself and I'm not too proud of that part of my life. I haven't touched any thing in many many years. Over 20.

Let me cut to the chase. This is about a man - I know you must be floored by that but - yeah it's true. ................I have not let anyone live with me in over ten years until this man.

We met as a blind date type situation through a girlfriend at work. We all got together and went to a Casino and stayed over night. After learning about him I decided he wasn't for me. He was still married, (they slept in different rooms) 3 kids - (13 girl, 19 & 20 boys) all with issues of their own. Anyway my girlfriend slept with me in one bed and the guys slept in the other. We had a good time and we knew one another for 2 years before we actually got together.

He is a truly a good guy - and I am bound to screw it up - it's a pattern I'm afraid. He is a little younger 43. He was in a miserable marriage. He stayed for 20 years. She was seeing a Black guy and I think that's what made him leave rather than - him leaving her for me if that makes any sense.

We have lived together for a year now and he has divorced her. Well we have been through a honeymoon period for sure and doted on each other. I love this man - but I feel he holds back and I give everything I have to the relationship. I an a jealous girl however and this has always caused me problems in my relationships. Well here we go.

His ex recently broke up with her boyfriend. And they seem to be talking more.

As I am writing this the situation just got much worse.

It is the Holidays - and my family are gone. He has a pretty big family and they are all down for Thanksgiving too. I had to work on Friday and he made plans to go bowling with the kids. I didn't hear from him all day until time for me to get off. I asked if they had a good time and he said yeah they had a great time. We were to go for dinner with his family when I got off. When I got home he told me his ex came with them and he knew I'd be mad - Furious is more like it. We went to dinner anyway and was strained but I got through it.

We came home and didn't talk much watched a show and went to bed but didn't touch and we always snuggle.

This morning he was suppose to work around the house but instead he put on dress clothes and left. I tried to talk to him and he didn't want to talk about it. He said he guesses he's moving out." I don't want to live with a woman that doesn't trust me".

He said he get his things later.... that's where it is right now.

I am pretty emotional right now so I'm ending it here.

Thanks -

Melanie

Aunt B said...

Dearest Melanie,
This is a rough situation. I do believe I've been in a similar predicament, myself. I don't really believe you have been unreasonable in your feelings. I'm sorry but I will not tell you that you are wrong. If he knew or knows that you are uncomfortable with the notion that he is spending, "Quality," time with his ex, then he needs to read this. It starts with the word "Respect."

I don't believe the word "Trust" should enter the picture.
How gullible should you be? How naive in the name of trust should you be?
I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer that a woman should never assume her man is faithful to a fault. Who wants to go through the hurt and pain, if your man falls prey to some voluptuous, unscrupulous, uncaring tart? Men are men and their nature is, often, for a better word, Shady. Even in Biblical times, since the dawn of time, men have fallen prey to the evil ways of a Jezebel. It's more fact than fiction, unfortunately. So, we gotta be on our toes. There's a fine line between being insanely jealous, possessive and/or intelligently on top of the program. I would feel the same way, if I was in your position. I also believe, if the shoe was on the other foot, this guy would be very jealous, too!
I assume he was married to this "Ex" and it's only natural that they have things in common such as the children. Keeping things on an amicable and friendly level is mature and good for the sake of the children. Anything more than that suggests an ember. It is suspect, even to me. He need only to place himself in your shoes. But even if he can't, he needs to respect YOUR feelings. That's it and that's all.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I hope you are able to work things out. Please let me know. In the mean time, I'd really like you to look at one thing; Did he look for an excuse to leave?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2006-11-22T19:35:00.001-05:00

I want to tell all my friends and family, those that read this or if you're just passing by, to have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I want you to take one day out of one year of the rest of your life and live it without any guilt. I want you to eat like there's no tomorrow, love like you'll never know it another day and laugh till you can't laugh anymore. I want you to have hope and know unconditional and divine love for one day. I want you to remember those that have gone ahead and are not here to share in your turkey or your day. I want you to remember and be grateful, thankful for that time that you had with that person or persons.
Many of us feel utterly alone. But it's all perspective. Friends, good friends are family we hand pick. If you have no friends or family, you chose this. If you think you have no family, you chose this. Even if you never see or talk to another family member till the day you die, you are never alone unless you choose to be. Family, remains in our heart. Even when they are a 1000 miles away, they are always in my heart. Hell, they could live next door but if I choose not to have family, I won't. But they are as close as my memories. Choose to have family this year, even if you are alone. Celebrate laughter, love and life and find one thing, one little thing to be grateful for, no matter how miserable you believe you are. Search your heart for that laughter you once knew. If you are alone tomorrow, rejoice in a happy moment. If your Mom is gone, remember that look of love, like no other, her looking down upon you and be grateful. Find something, search your soul and be Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

ADDICTION'S A TRICKY BITCH

2006-11-13T08:28:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Hey Aunt B,

Here's my situation.

I know this man from back in the day.

His Sister and I were real close. She was murdered in

June of 05 by her ex boyfriend.

At this time, her brother, and I started corresponding.

He's been in jail since then, due to meth addiction, and

of course being on the wrong side of the law.

That meth shit freaks me out big time.

This guy is now in a halfway house. Its also a rehab

facility, and he has been going through extensive and intensive counseling.

I have become attached to him, even though.

But still am torn because of his past.

I do not want to involve myself with someone with his history, but am still drawn to him.

Do I give him a chance? Do I wait till he's out, and see how he is once he's on the street? Do I keep him away from my kids until I know for sure? My family would surely frown upon him. I just don't know what to do. Thanks Babs,

If Loving You Is Wrong.....

(Hey Babs, thanks for posting your new link for me. My mama is a Babs, and that's exactly what I call her, when I'm not calling her BabsyQ that is.)

Aunt B said...

Dear If Loving You is Wrong,

Wow, what a situation. I almost want to run to higher ground on this one. Why, you ask? Because I am an addict and I know the potential. Personally, I took my addiction further than a lot of people. I had a 5 bag a day Heroin habit, I drank whiskey like I was going to the electric chair in two hours and did every drug known to man. A genuine guinea pig, hell bent. So, I do have an educated opinion on the subject. I've also been clean, from heroin, for 8 years. I know what it takes to stay clean. It ain't easy and it is one day at a time. I also went through Prison programs. No program from AA/NA to Inpatient Rehab, works unless you work it. You can not get sober unless YOU REALLY WANT IT! Most of us have to step inside the Gates of Hell, before we get sick enough to make changes, life changes, sustaining changes. My ass was completely burned before I figured this out.
Why do I tell you all this? You must understand addiction, true, hardcore addiction before you can wrap yourself in a cloak, that hard shell you must have in order to deal with someone else's addiction. This is very important. You do not want to become an enabler, nor co-dependent as often happens when a couple gets together, where one is an addict and the other is not or just an occasional user. What's the difference? An addict, in layman's or my terms is someone like me who can not function or live, in my own mind, without some chemical in my system. All life as you know it stops and the only thing that matters is feeding, fueling the addiction just to function. Meth has the ability to give such a great high and then you bottom out, boom. The drop is such that you feel you have to have it just to live. It causes great depression, dillusion and paranoia. I am a first hand witness, even in a current state as my ex and all my old friends are in the Sonora Desert, right now, knee deep in their Meth addiction. In my mind, it is one of the worst drugs, even over a Coke addiction. I smoked crack for two years, so I have an educated opinion on that, also. But meth is cheaper, last longer and is crippling.

What the hell is my point?

This is a really tough situation. I would be the last person to tell you to say F* this guy and you are setting yourself up for disaster. But it is complicated and it depends on many variables, if it might work. He can not get out of the half-way house and not continue his treatment. He's gotta take it as serious as a heart attack. You can not be condescending or have an authoritative tone, either, or a person, often unknowingly, becomes rebellious. Being supportive, in a positive nature, sets the tone. You must tread lightly, especially with a man, when it comes to your constructive criticism.

Massive Reconstruction

If you are going to consider a relationship with an addict, you must first know the nature of the beast. Yet again, you want to be understanding but not enabling and there is a defined difference. You will also need a no-nonsense approach to the situation. Are you willing to deal with this guy if he re offends, falls off the wagon or falls from grace? The statistics are, unfortunately, not good but recovery is possible. It also helps if that person has a good support system and they know the logistics of addiction, the signs of or leading to relapse. This is a study in the life of an addict. It is actually simple, yet extremely complex. If this person does not truly get to the bottom of the cause and effect of his addiction, if he does not realize the full potential or not recognize his own red flags, the things that lead him to use, then he is in trouble and asking for another Prison sentence or relapse at the very least. The only way to change things, is to change things, habits, people, places and things. You must completely start over, physically, figuratively and mentally. We truly have the ability to lie to ourselves and we tell ourselves that we NEED to get high to deal with things. Life on life's terms is a bitch. But it can be done, communication is the key. The addict must be truthful and I call it "sabatoging oneself." That's where, you commit to telling someone, tattle taleing about how you feel to someone who understands, cares and is willing to tell you like it is.

Most of us do not like exercise, do we? Dealing with our addiction and maintaining some form of treatment is paramount. But treatment and going to meetings often seem like exercise and we tend to want to say to hell with that. The things and learned behaviors that brought us to the very point of addiction are usually life long behaviors. To change this behavior, our beliefs and values system and the biggest variable, our habit, is no easy task and you sure as hell can't think that it happens over night or even in a prison setting with a few years attached. It's a life long change. It took you a life long time to acquire these traits and behaviors and you can't expect for them to just go away once you don't have the chemical in your body. There is always a want, a need, a longing for the drug, especially when the shit hits the fan, as it always does, in our daily lives. We also have to be careful not to replace one habit with another. This is where addicts tend to trip up. A Meth addict, may very well think that his drug of choice is not really drinking so he thinks it's safe to have a beer or 20. He thinks it's OK to down a few shots or a bottle because, hell, it's legal, right? But anything, any chemical will and is often abused. It also allows our thinking to be jilted, tilted and misconstrued into believing that we should do and behave out of the box. Meaning it actually can poison your mindset and can really help sustain a give a shit attitude. You might not know that attitude unless you are an addict. To do something illegal to get the money for your habit, is out of the box. To buy drugs, illegally, is out of the box. To ingest, smoke or especially shoot something in to your veins, that you really have no idea that it is really what has been sold to you and hope it doesn't kill you, is the definitive thinking, way out of the box. It is a true give a shit attitude. You have to watch for it and hopefully, when the addict entertains this attitude or his addiction, you have to watch him. Talking to them if they are moody and lending an ear may help Suggesting a meeting and going with them is a really good idea.

Going the Distance

You must ask yourself, are you willing to risk all this for love? Coming out of Prison has it's own scars and it's a prime time for abuse. If he is on Parole, it is a real good time to build up the knowledge and understanding it takes to stay straight. Straight thinking is, of course, the best time to get to the bottom of things. If you plan on the possibility of a serious relationship with this fella, I suggest you read and study as much as possible on addiction. You'll have your hands full and it will not be easy. I believe in my higher power and I pray, I suggest you do too. If the path is rocky, you're going down the wrong path. Pray for guidance and wisdom to know what the right choice is. Make it real clear, REAL CLEAR, that you will stay by his side, as long as he's serious but there will be no games, no using and he will continue seeking support. No excuses, no bullshit. You point out from the git go that you are not a martyr and will not become one for anyone. If he's serious, you'll be there for him. If he's not, go find somebody else's life to screw up beyond his own. Do you have the strength and where with all to go through this?

I wish you all the best. Everybody deserves a chance but never be gullible or stupid. Never under estimate an addict, never. Please let me know the outcome and stay in touch, please! Let me know if this has been helpful and if I can be of any further assistance.

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B
This is a comment back from the writer of this question to Aunt B...

Babs, sorry to not get back to you, I have been working like crazy this week. I so appreciated your answer. I knew about your past, and also from reading your journal and Ask Aunt B feel you hold great wisdom, and knew you would have words that would make me think.

This has been my secret, and am grateful to you for being available to me, and telling it like it is.

I have decisions to make. After thinking about this for the past few days I realize that I may not be the right person for him and his sobriety either.

I am an active weed smoker, and have been for the last 20 years. The last thing I want to do is not be helpful to his sobriety.

But as an addict myself, don't want to stop smoking for him.

We have developed a friendship, where I have always been honest with him in all I say, and I need to talk to him.

He wants to get together with me tomorrow. Which made me freak out a bit. He's within reach now, not just a at a distance, where I've been safe.

I've been a single mom for the past 8 years, with one long term boyfriend about 5 years ago. And have always pushed every man out of my life that wants to be in it.

I've been very hard on the men I've dated, and get rid of them at the first wrong thing they do, no chances.

I feel that love makes you weak, and the last thing I ever want to be again is weak.

My boys' dad is an alcoholic, and I actively attended Al Anon while with him, but of course keeping my addiction a secret as much as possible while with him. Again, my addiction caused me to not be happy with him, because I needed to quit to make it work , and wouldn't.

Sorry I know I'm babbling along with MORE issues, but your answer really did make me think, and I appreciate that, being the " I can't think of that today, I'll think of that tomorrow" Scarlett O Hara kinda gal that I am.

Thank you Babs,

ABORTION; DO YOU REALLY KNOW THE STORY???

2006-11-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I invite you to read this article. No, don't turn your head and say "Oh, it's uncomfortable, I don't want to look at that." Well, you need to, so you can make an informed decision. You need to, so you'll take more responsibility when you go out on Friday and Saturday nights and you don't bring a condom and figure "oh well, I can just get an abortion, if I have an accidental pregnancy." That is so dangerous.
I was 16 years old when I first got pregnant. I actually thought of having an abortion. I didn't know anything about the medical aspect of it. But something inside, told me it was wrong. I tend to believe it was my spirit because everyone around me was getting abortions. We were fighting for our rights to get one back in the 70's and no one ever sat me down and told me it was wrong. Well, I'm telling you, it is wrong and you can scream, "Well, it's my body," all day long. But what about that childs right to live and not be torn to shreds? That's the harsh reality of it.
Go here to read this story on my Medical Ink blog. Then, tell me it's ok?

Then, I'd like you to listen to these audio/podcasts, I did several months ago. After you've listened to these, you can then form an opinion. Otherwise, just don't pretend you are educated on the matter, ok?

LIFE LESSON 101; IT'S NOT ALWAYS FAIR

2006-11-10T10:45:00.000-05:00

This is a long post/letter but a valuable read.

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

Recently one of my few friends got into a lot of trouble. Because of this incident, she spent an entire week in detention at school, every day until the end of the year she is now forced to pick up trash on compass, and her mother grounded her until she turned 18.

Now, I did the exact same thing except on a much larger scale. In punishment, I recieved only one day in detention. That was it. I wasn't even grounded by my mother.

The worst part was, was that I had to almost insist that they punish me because of what I did because I considered it grossly unfair that I did not recieve any form of punishment while my friend did. Even worse was that, that the one day in detention was the worst that I could get them to give me.

When my friend found out, she became infuriated with me. She was mad that I recieved a far less harsh punishment from the school than she did, she was mad that my mother didn't punish me while her mother punished her, and then when I told her about how I had to make them punish me, she became even angrier. Now she refuses to talk to me.

I've even talked to her boyfriend, whom had gotten in trouble with her (they really weren't doing anything bad, honestly) and he refuses to speak to me as well unless he comes to the swordfighting classes that I help teach since I am the assistant instructor.

I don't understand why they're mad at me when it wasn't even my fault that I didn't recieve as harsh of a punishment as they did, and I don't understand why they're mad that I insisted on a punishment.

I know why the school didn't want to punish me and why my mom didn't. I'm an honors student who's attending college classes during my free time, and I'm already recieving scholarships in writing contests that I enter.

I would really like getting some advice on how to patch things up with my friend since she and her boyfriend are two of my seven friends. I don't want to lose them, but I will unless I do something and I can't do something because I don't understand why they're acting like this!

Please help.

Sincerely,

Confused friend

Aunt B said...

Dear Confused Friend,

This is so painful, I know. I feel for you, I really do. This, unfortunately, is another one of life's dirty lessons; Nothing is Fair!

First, let me say this...it is not YOUR fault for the punishment that you were given. Did the gods shine on you? I don't know. As you stated, it may have been because you are an exemplary student and they gave you some leeway. I find it rather exhilarating, that you are able to see the injustice of your friends punishment, compared to your own. Equally impressive, is the fact that you were willing to take a harsher punishment and even asked for it. That is either a true sign of friendship and/or a true sign of maturity. More importantly, you passed one of life's little tests. Most people opt for the easy way out. Sure it would be easier to walk away with the profit of a lesser sentence but I have a sneaking suspicion you have a true sense of moral decorum. Somehow, I can see you on the Justice League, as a young woman, fighting for the rights of others. We certainly need more people like you in this world and I encourage you to never allow this world to taint that set of standards that you hold yourself to. Be a lawyer or work for the ACLU and champion for the underdog, you know the one that gets kicked by the buttheads called society as a whole?
Back to the dilemma. Lil' Sister, I invite you to allow your friend to read this. Just send her the link or copy and paste the parts you want for her.
Keeping it real, I would say that your friends reaction is normal. We all want justice, we all want to be treated fairly. When somebody else skates, it pisses us off. Unless of course, it is ourselves. Then, there is the rare persona of a young lady who believes in right and wrong, true friendship and a sense of fair play. I think your friend would be pissed at whomever, Joe Blow, Jane Doe, it wouldn't matter. But it was you that, in her mind, got off easy, thus, you are the one she's staring in the face and yelling "Injustice" and I can't blame her. But let's look at this. I am all about putting things into perspective and let's examine this, ok?

1. Looking at your jacket, which is your record of behavior and as an adult, if you have a criminal record, they call it your jacket, is there difference there? I mean, does her record show past infractions and yours doesn't? This is how a sentence is meeted out in the Criminal Court system. If it's your first infraction, they cut you a break.

2.What was the attitude difference, between you both, upon presentation of your infraction? In other words, did you show a remorseful attitude and maybe, she did not? Some of us get angry when confronted with our wrong doings, right? Some of us flip the script and turn it around and are more pissed off that we were caught than looking at what we've done and showing remorse. This is quite typical, actually. Most people do not want to look in the mirror on any scale and see themselves or their behavior as wrong. We often, out of convenience or survival, turn things around with a hate for any kind of Law or Law Enforcement. This is why we cuss the Police when we are stopped for speeding. Who wants to be chastised or pay a penalty when they are wrong or break the rules? Also, this is why we often repeat an offense because we haven't really learned our lesson. We misconstrue things to make it more palatable.

There are too many variables, that I don't have in front of me, evidence, records and so on to make a judgment call. But that is not why you wrote me, is it?
What to do?
I would give her the link, as I said and have her read this. Obviously, this is weighing heavily on you or you would not have bothered to write me for advice? I think you really need to put things into perspective. If you do not want to have her read this, then take from it and use it. Tell her that you understand her animosity towards you but it is not your fault. Tell her that you are aware that it may not have been fair and you don't feel good about it, at all. As a friend, this hurts you and you do not want to lose her friendship over something that is out of your control. Really, what the hell can you really do about this? Nothing. They must have had reason for their reasoning, I can only assume. Tell her, after all is said and done that if she will hold this against you, one of two things is happening here; She is either jealous, immature or plain hateful. Or misinformed and didn't realize that it's not your fault. Let her choose which it is and I guarantee, she will not admit that she's being immature. I think it's most likely that she was just angry and it came back on you. If she's a true friend, she'll try to see things as they really are. If she's not a true friend, she won't try to see it and quite frankly, you don't need any friends like that. I recommend that you either give her this link or write down how you feel, what's really going on and put things into perspective for your friend. After that, the ball is in her court. Let's see if she plays fair and has a sense of Sportsmanship and Civility?
Time heals all wounds. This is a life lesson, pay attention. You will find that life is not fair, what so ever but it is commendable that you rally towards what's right. Try to use this to help others. I see you going places, young lady and I wish you only the very best. Please stay in touch and let me know how this goes. Holla back!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Am I Dreaming???

2006-11-08T06:26:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,

I'm 17 years old and I still attend high school. One of my classes happens to be a welding class and it's taught by a young teacher who has yet to reach his mid thirties, but he is by no means a fresh faced, just out of college teacher.

Anyways, I've recently been having erotic dreams about him, and I don't know what to think! I wasn't even aware that I had even possessed these feelings for my teacher. And while I'm in class, I act like I've always done, and these dreams don't even enter my mind, but whenever I'm outside of them, I can't help but think about them!

The worst part is that he's happily married and he has kids. I mean, his wife is a principal at another school and their kid is like 3 or 4 eyears old and I believe they're expecting another, so it's obvious that it's an active relationship.

And then there's the fact that a year or two ago, our government teacher was caught sleeping with one of his students and was arrested. The girl was expelled and wasn't even allowed to go to nightschool.

This is not only freaking me out, but it's left me awfully confused since I'm dating someone else, even though they have been giving me the cold shoulder as of late.

Any advice?

Sincerely,

Unknown Attraction

Aunt B said...

Dear Unknown Attraction,
Well, for all intent and purpose, I'd say you are having normal feelings and emotions all around.
First off, you can't control what goes on with your mind, in sleep, short of prayers before bed. So, don't feel guilty about that. For that matter, it could be anybody that your mind uses for sexual escape, it just happened to be this guy. I've calmed down, in my older years but there was a time, even younger than you where I had constant sexual dreams. I was a hornball, especially after I figured out how to, uh... masturbate by accident in the tub. I came home from school with one thing on my mind and I sure did take a lot of baths back then. So fresh and so clean clean, lol! Yes, I know TMI but I'm telling you this for a reason. I know how a healthy woman operates. Dreams are for the young and healthy and yours are so normal, believe me. Your mind just happened to pick this guy. I'd be willing to bet that in all due reality, he does nothing for you, does he? I mean in the sexual lusting department, you probably would not look at him twice?
An example; they say that true crime, criminals, rarely dream. They also say that they are not able to act out aggression, fantasy and so on, in their dreams and end up acting out on a conscious level. The mind works in strange ways and I don't buy into the dream dictionary mentality, that there is a reason and so on for everything you dream. I've had some real doozies, bet your bum on that! I think you just picked a familiar face out of the line-up in your brain and now you're feeling guilty about it. But it's our little secret and no harm is done. Stop feeling guilty. I'm not going to point a finger and say you are wrong, you little slut, because you are not. I especially commend you on your premise of values and beliefs. You are very mature on that level by recognizing that this guy is happily married. Many girls don't recognize this and they are the ones that reek havoc and wreck marriages. They can take a good man down, I've seen it. Many girls use their sexuality like a venus fly trap and they are very dangerous, especially in this day and age of sexual disease. But those girls don't take into account or even care if the guy is a happily married man. They have an agenda and it is often one of low self-esteem, you know, "I got what you want," and they use it in a harmful way. I'm sorry but it's a fact that a good population of men do fool around, thinking with the little head instead of the big one and these kind of girls are the ones that tempt them. This also separates the girls from the women. You my Dear, are in the latter category. It is apparent to me that you have a set of morals, that fiber and strength that makes a woman stand tall. You are going to be alright in this life, Girlfriend.
This guy who is brushing you off or giving you the cold shoulder, does he know what a diamond in the rough he has? Aaaaaaah, young love, it changes with the wind. Do not fear. You are not measured by having a guy to go to the Senior Prom, yes it's nice but not an absolute. You are 17 and you have a long life ahead of you, I see this. You have time to pick that right guy, you know, that one that makes you laugh. He's not all that handsome but he's for real and that's just what you need. See, that kinda guy will always treasure a decent looking woman. You will meet this man, when you least expect it. But try not to blow off his advances, as I know you will cause he's not drop-dead gorgeous and he's NOT what you envision as the perfect man. But he IS the one that will make you happy on a cold winter night and he is the one with undieing devotion that will hold you in the end. Watch for him, be aware and let him find you, mark my words.
Well, Ms. Unknown Attraction, I wish you all the best and would appreciate a comment and an update when things jump off in the next couple of years. It's gonna be a great life for you, put on your seat belt!!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

SET UP FROM THE GET UP???

2006-11-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email

I started talking to this guy online (something I have never done before,so it was new to me!)and after about two weeks we were talking and I think I made the boneheaded move and told him that I kinda liked him. Well after about another week he told me he had been talking to this other girl in his home town for awhile and they just started dating. My feels were of course hurt but I didn't tell him that. I told him I was happy for him.
We continued to talk just as friends of course, but it was really weird. Well he went to visit his girlfriend and on the way to visit his girlfriend (because she at college he calls me. And I didn't expect him to so it was really weird. And out of no where he tells me that if I see him online that he can't talk because he is going to be with his girlfriend and he doesn't want her to get the wrong idea about us. And we had already covered that we were just friends. I told him later that I thought he only Called to cover his ass! He said no he said it because the conversation wasn't going anywhere so he just said that. Out of anything he said that!!! Then I told him that I felt like when I talked to him I had to walk on egg shells and that is mad me mad,that could usually fix stuff like that but I can't fix this. (Of course I didn't feel like this until he got a girlfriend)
Now he isn't talking to me....AT ALL! What do it do? Just let it go? Is it a lost cause? That is what I'm starting to think.

Ms. Left Wondering

Aunt B said...

Dear Ms. Left Wondering,

Well, by the time you read this, you may well have changed your mind. But in the event that you haven't let me say that this sounds like a no win situation. But in all honesty, you may very well have set yourself up for this one without even knowing it.
I don't claim to be a psychic but I am highly intuitive, we'll call it. My gut instincts tell me that anything I say, concerning this, may not be what you want to hear. My instincts further tell me that you are in a very vulnerable place in your life. It also tells me that, normally, you would just blow this off and move on. But you are also a winner, thus, you feel like you've lost something. You allowed yourself to be wound up in this situation. But let me say this, the guy doesn't have a crystal ball, does he? He may very well have contacted you for one of two reasons; to make you jealous or to blow you off.
My gut tells me that it's not advisable,for you to get involved, any further with this guy. Unless I'm misunderstanding you, this guy may behave as if you'd be a partner in his crime of passion and is setting the stage of trying you to see if you'll tolerate it. You know, keep it on the hush hush, D.L. and I doubt that's what you really want.
As I said before, for whatever reason exists, I feel you are very vulnerable right now. Ask yourself, why is that and how to remedy that situation? It could be that you're ready to settle down? Don't let the first joker that comes along, put you in a pattern that is not healthy. It's a fact that there are so many fish in the sea, we just can't seem to see them because we have dark goggles on. Stand strong Girlfriend, you deserve a guy that has no bullshit on the plate. Please take my advice, get back into the Chat rooms if that's your option and find Mr. Right. I see nothing wrong with meeting someone on a Chat room or Dating Service. In fact, it's safe and it leaves the ol', "Judge a Book by it's cover," element into a fool-proof proposition of getting to know the guy first, BEFORE you can turn him down for his looks. You'll get to know the person on the inside before you'll fall for the outside and realize he has no inside, right? If I read this wrong, I invite you to explain further. If not, I encourage you to brush this guy off your persona and begin again, a fresh start with no games.
Please leave a comment, stay in touch and update me, ok? Take care,
Ms. Left Wondering!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Love Potion #9

2006-10-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am a twenty-four year old single mother.I work a full-time job as well working toward my business degree. I had some really bad relationships in the past and I have a hard time trusting men. I have never cheating on any of my ex-boyfriends yet however, all of them ended up cheating on me. I have recently started dating this guy who is only twenty-one years old. I am not sure if he is ready for a relationship. I was content with just being friends with him but he was very persistent with being my boyfriend so I finally accepted. Part of the reason why I choose to be his girlfriend is because I didn't want him to be with any one else. I don't just want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, I am looking for marriage.I know he has a lot female friends and this bothers me because my ex did as well; and that relationship was a disaster. I know that every man is different but I just don't know how to trust anymore? I am also afraid to fall in love because, I fall in love very easily and usually I end up getting hurt.Is there away to tell if he is serious?There are days where he does not even bother to call me and I feel like he should at least call to see how I am doing. I understand that he needs his space but in a relationship I feel like communication is everything. I just don't know what I am doing anymore.

Please help me

Ms. Confused

Aunt B said...

Dear Ms.Confused,
Let me first commend you for your efforts. It's not easy being a single mother, juggling work, school and motherhood. I know I did it. Even though it is often the hardest, never forget that being a mother is the most important, everything else just gives you the ride.
OK, it is a given that women mature quicker than men, even in childhood this is true. In many ways, we are more mature in affairs of the heart, too.
I dare say, that you should tread lightly or do not place your heart in his hand. He is young and one day he may feel all the want of a serious relationship, the next he may not. But I am the kind of person that believes in living life, let the rest sit back and watch and say I wish I had...
My last beau was 34 and I was 46. Big difference but we enjoyed each others company. Luckily, you are young enough to see your way through this life with an ability to pick and choose your mate. Mark my words, you will not grow old and be alone. But don't jump and flip things. You may possibly be writing more into this than there is, for the moment. I'm not saying that the potential for a good, healthy relationship is not there because I don't know that. The upside of having a young boyfriend is in the training,(inside joke amongst us girls), but without being demanding, if you want to hear from him, tell him so. At that point you have stated your needs but it's how you address it that will make the difference. Don't jump him and say hey how come? No, you say, "you know, I'd love to hear from you tomorrow." Then, when he calls, you say it again and again, until it becomes second nature. If he doesn't call after that, he didn't want to call and it will be clear, right?
There's a fine line between being stupid and/or possessive. Girlfriend, never trust a man...
completely! Never feed your man to the Lioness and not expect him to be eaten. Now, you can't project your fears from being burnt on some unsuspecting guy who may not even deserve it. But remember this, every single relationship has the potential for harm. But you gotta live girlfriend. Be smart, give them a bit of leeway but don't be stupid. A guy that has a lot of friends that are girls is often gay OR he has an agenda. That's the facts Jack! Now, he may fall in the bracket of the innocent but don't be gullible nor be overly jealous. Be cautious. Your man, may mean well and he had a life before you, remember this . You can't expect him to just trash it. But in a well rounded relationship, he would build his life around you and include you. Thus, you know where his heart lies and exactly where he is, emotionally and literally. How could you not if he was holding your hand all the while?
I'll be curious to know if this works out. See, Ms.Confused, you're ready to settle, on one hand. The other hand just slapped you and said wake the hell up, we're gonna have a career, right? Damn, it's hard to be a woman. My vote would be that you try to take a fraction from all you have, all that's going on and roll it into a ball. Don't put too much in any one thing but work on you and who you are, what you are, what you will be as a woman. Don't settle, ever. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. Now, every relationship takes work as you often agree to disagree. But don't think you can really change a seasoned man or fix him. That's the first mistake.
If you go for this young buck, you must state your needs and desires. Present them in a palatable simple pill for him to swallow. If he fights the medication, you'll know, he's not the one. Love Potion #9

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

2006-10-29T18:31:00.000-05:00

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I am married to a beautiful woman. She is tall,slender,sexy, everything I've been looking for. We met at an on-line dating site, and we hit it off right away. Within two months we were married. I know it was fast, but we were sure that it would work. After about eight months of trying to have a baby, things began to turn. She came to me one day and told me that she was not happy in our marriage. We never fight, we have had maybe two arguments the whole time. She could just tell me that she was not happy. I was immediately cut off from sex. She didn't want to get preg. She says that she loves me, but is not in love with me. She just does not have the feelings for intimacy. It is very confusing to me. I'm a man. I love her and want to have sex with her. We sleep together in the same bed, she tells me she loves me, but we have only done the deed a couple times since that day. When she feels horny. I have stayed home from work a couple of times in the past week, and I decided to look at her personal journals. I know it is wrong to do, but I am desperate. In the journal I discovered that she has been communicating with one of her many past boyfriends. She says in her journal that she still has emotional attatchments to this guy. She has been e-mailing back and forth with this guy according to her journal, but when I checked her e-mail there was no record of e-mails with him. She has an e-mail account that is through her work, and I suspect that they are using that one. My predicament is whether or not I should confront her about what she wrote in her journal, or have I violated her privacy too much to reveal, and confront her about this.

Aunt B said...

EP, I really feel for you. You sound like a really nice guy who's grasping at straws and wrestling with the guilt of violating the unwritten privacy law.

All's fair in love and war.

You have actually listened to your spirit/intuition that has led you, in the first place, to distrust your wife. When we listen to our inner voice, we're often right.

You have a serious trust issue here. If you don't have trust, you have nothing, in any relationship. If she's not your wife, in her heart, she's not your wife, now is she? You can't make her have emotions that she thinks she doesn't have, right? However, my loyalty is with you, for some reason. If you were my own son, I would tell you that you have absolutely nothing to lose by confronting her with the information you have.

All's fair in love and war.

Take the bull by the horn's and address the situation. You tell her that you had a suspicion and you were grasping at and holding on for dear life and felt desperate because you love her. Don't mention the fact that you don't want to look like a fool either, it won't matter. If you choose to try to work out this relationship, you must confront her or accept your life as it is. That's exactly what it comes down to; What are you willing to swallow in the name of love? You obviously are not happy as things are. What do you have to lose by telling her how you feel? She is so beautiful to you and you are so in love and she can't see it, it is wasted, thrown to the wind.

All's fair in love and war.

I want you to plan a nice dinner, a quiet evening at home and you first tell her how much you really love her. But you will no longer tolerate being treated any less than her husband. You tell her you don't buy the fear of intimacy because she might get pregnant. Hell, that's what birth control and condoms are for and she could use both. You calmly, take control of this situation and make it known you will no longer go along with this situation. You are not to be played with any longer. Confront her with her behavior towards you. If she denies it, you make it understood, things are going to change or bye-bye. You must make it crystal clear that your life will not longer be toyed with and you are not going to tolerate it one more day. Only pull out the Ace, the knowledge you have of her supposed communication with her ex, if you must. You take the upper hand. Yes, I said take it and make it yours. You look in the mirror, pull off that bandaid you've been wearing on your heart and take a stand. Or live the rest of your life, in misery, allowing her to do whatever she wants to you.

I'd slap you myself!! Stand up to her. Have her read this. The jig is up, the game is no more and you're taking your heart and your life back. If she is smart, she'll realize what a good guy she has and get her act together. Now, lace up those boots and march in there and do what needs to be done! Please let me know how you are and how things turn out. If only I was younger...damn!!

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Getting It Together

2006-10-17T10:49:00.000-04:00

This is a letter sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi! i just wanted some advice on my life in general. I had been injured at

my job and hadnt worked for 20 months. I have permanent damage to my arms

and hands which i am now not able to do many jobs. I was on compensation but was kicked off with little payments for my damages. i was pretty well hung

out to dry by myself with no help for finding a new career or anything. the

problem is that i had a decent job but had to leave it because i was

switched departments and i couldnt physically do the new job, so i had to

leave. now i have no job. I also have extra debt from my not working before

that i want to take care of like refinance some of it or something. I have 3

kids whom are all in college now. They r doing great.

I have overcome a lot in the last 2 years but still struggle with the job

aspect, im used to making more money and i have bills to pay. Im looking for

a job now that i can actually do physically, but anything i can do has less

pay. So i am really at a crossroads there.

On top of that my husband is just laid off from his job of 5 years. He get

85% of his wages so he is getting paid. Its just everything is wrong right

now. My daughter is away at college and i cant bear it without her too. and

my dog is handicapped on top of that. and also my father has cancer and its

not a recovering kind of cancer. So, pretty much everything is a mess right

now. I dont know really how to handle all these things that r wrong. I

have tried so hard to put everything behind me, but new roadblocks keep

popping up at every turn. Right now i am just looking for a new job or maybe

2 jobs so that i can keep up with everything and get my mind off of other

things. This has been a continually negative time for me but it has lasted

almost two years. I vow that i will turn this all around and i really mean

it and im working so hard to do so, but i just cant seem to get it all

together.

Sometimes you wonder if this is all my life will b for the next 4o years (

im 40 now) what is all the excitement about ????? Its not that great a life

really. I cant get a job that i want because either i cant do the job or if

i get the job they end up checking my sin number and get rid of me because

they find out i had a claim at compensation before. Its not fair and bad

things have happened to me not by my fault particularly but i didnt ask to

get injured or be in this situation. I would like to just finally get on

with my life and i would like to be happy. I havnt been happy for a long

time. Dont get me wrong my husband is great and helps me all the time. But i

havnt been able to contribute anything to this household for the past 2

years which is difficult, because that is why i have extra debt to pay back.

My plan is once i get a new job i can go and get some help to refinance

some of my debt and get paying it off as soon as i can. It guess i think its

all my fault that we r in this spot and im having a hard time changing

things. I just dont know why its so hard for ME to get back on the right

track with my finances and career and my emotions too. I am far to

emotional, i guess from being put thru all of this drama with my injury. I

am now permanently partially disabled and i hate that. I have to have help

with stuff. I really dont like getting help it makes me weak . I amlike mym

father very proud. For someone like me before the injury, i worked full time

and more , kept the house , did the yardwork, gardening , shopping , looked

after a herd of cows as well. Now everything just has fell apart. Even my

freind of 20 years that had gone missing from her home a few months ago, was

found 8 days later and we found out that she commited suicide in the bush

near her house. It was just shocking to us. You see its just a continuous

blurb of roadblocks and obstacles that i have to deal with on an ongoing

basis. I dont know what approach i should take , ive tried to be positive

and all of that. I just need some input or maybe a new direction to go. I

know one thing i have to find a new job right away. I am still going to

interviews and all that but not having much luck. Dont i sound like a loser

???? thanks for any advice you can give!!! I really need it. I cant live

the rest of my life like this or it wont even b worth the effort of getting

up in the morning. Laurie

Aunt B said,
Wow Laurie, you've got a plate full there. I've been where you are and in some ways, I still am. I have disabilities too. It is very hard to step down from making a good living, with a sense of self worth to little or nothing. Been there, done that. I still wrestle with a lot of the same things everyday, that you yourself mention. My Father died from the Big C, I know what you're going through to a certain extent. You are now asking yourself; What more can I take, if any more?
Laurie, I've come to a crossroads in my life, where there's not much more you could do to me that hasn't been done and I mean that in every sense of the word. In that crossroads, I've found a lot of myself and it has shaped who I am and maybe who I will be. It also has afforded me the strength to say what's on my mind, come what may. I've learned from most of my mistakes, gleaned what I could from things that have happened to me in the past and applied it to my Wisdom file.
You may feel right now that there's nothing to learn here but Oooooh there is. Now, we just have to find what it is and why? This will, of course, have to be a personal journey for you. I'm here and you have other people in your life who may support you. But ultimately, this is your fight, right? If you've read anything about me, you'd know that I went to prison, battled heroin addiction, been raped, beaten and seriously injured. I shot my husband because of his beatings. You have to know that I've been through so much. I often wondered in desperation, just what the hell was going on and why me? Let me tell you what I've learned;

When you stop believing in luck coincidence or magic, you begin to see a plan for your life from a Higher Power. It's like a puzzle and each, incident, accident, situation, moment, life in general happenstance, is actually a piece to the Puzzle of Life. With each new adventure and we'll call it that, you get a new piece of the puzzle, the Puzzle of Life, the Big Picture. It's much like a treasure hunt, look for the pieces in a whole new light and begin to put it together. These things that are happening in your life are for a reason. What is the reason?

This is actually the most important thing you'll read and I mean that. I began to put my puzzle together and no longer said, why me? Instead, I chose to look at it in all it's rawness and mold it into a teaching tool and learn from it. When I began to ascertain wisdom from these things, these awful things that had happened, I also began to own it and take back my power. Now, don't think for one minute that I never have calamity in my life. Quite on the contrary, I always have challenges and often feel I'm climbing constantly, one mountain after another.
When I cried out from the very depths of my soul, my Higher Power heard. A simple statement. I don't know what your belief system is but you should incorporate a positive force in your life and ask for help, really ask for help. It is a calming power. You may very well be angry right now, understandably so. Ask for a calm spirit and ask for wisdom. Seek and you shall find. It is true, if you seek it, you'll find it. If you don't have a belief, I'll pray that you find something and you're able to find calm assurance in your life.
Do you feel your pride has been smashed? Boy, do I know how that feels. Prison has a way of taking your pride as well as not being able to do the things you're accustomed to doing because of injury. It's another simple answer; You should not have pride and it will be broken. Is that the lesson, you need to learn? Is it that you've only relied on yourself or husband for all in life? Did you notice that I said I went throught the same things? Not coincedence!
I am not here to preach only to offer you some tools. Put all that in your tool belt along with this: what will it hurt for you to take 5-10-15-20 minutes of your day, go into a quiet room.Be selfish with this time and afford it to yourself. Light some candles. Put on a comfy cover, blanket. Begin to breathe slowly. Take a long slow breath in through your nose and blow it slowly through your mouth as if cooling a spoon of soup. Quiet your mind and take yourself to a place you envision that is safe, a mental picture. Maybe you are walking on the beach or sitting against an old knobby tree wherever you go, make it a safe haven and purge your mind of all this garbage and pain. I call it prayer, you may call it whatever you want but begin to find things to be grateful for, even in this miserable situation. each time you do this, find a new one, a new reason to be joyful. What makes you smile? Was it that baby, looking up at you with unconditional love and trust? Do you remember those times? So, it is with my Higher Power, I look up and He looks back at me with unconditional love and I begin to trust. A smile comes to my face. Then, I just mentally talk and ask for answers and wisdom. I ask what it is that I need to learn. I walk out with renewed strength and hope. It only works if you do it, Laurie. I think you are a very reasonable person. Right now, you may feel so helpless that you may even scoff at what I've said. The healing will begin when you read this and began to ingest it. I guarantee that you will feel better, every time you incorporate these principles till it's as natural as breathing. It becomes second nature.
As I said, this is a personal journey, you are not alone if you truly look for the answers. But I know you can do this and there are answers.
Laurie, I don't know a lot but I know a little and this has worked for me. I hope I've helped, please let me know in the comments, ok and stay in touch. Let the healing begin!

TAKING IT TO THE STREETS; ABORTION IS NOT AN OPTION

2006-10-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

This is a subject I do not wish to offend anyone with. This is directed at the kids, young people, sexually active individuals who see abortion as just another form of birth control.
Let me clear up any misconceptions you may have about my stance here; We now have a "Morning After Pill" and if you are raped, you'd better take it. If you slipped up and your contraception may be in question, take that pill. But to think that you can fool around and, "Whoops, I slept with the guy Friday Night and it's the perfect time for me to be pregnant," and go have an abortion, this is directed at you. Personal responsibility is what I'm calling you on. It is not an option to be used in your little kit of birth control options. Use a condom, sponge, pill, something for God's sake, just don't think because you want to be irresponsible and play with fate that it's ok for you to go rip a fetus out of your womb, cutting it to pieces.
Say what you want. "While it's often important for people to know what you stand for, it's even more important for them to know what you will NOT STAND FOR!"

This was taken from a previous post on WCRZ Crazy Radio

Before I die, I'm going to say what has to be said. You don't have to like my opinion and you don't have to listen to the posts, another decision you are able to make in the land of the free and home of the brave. But I see it as a cowards way out. Your adult enough to lay down, be that adult and look in the mirror and take charge of YOUR life.
Kids, this is not a pleasant subject. Abortion is not a very nice thing at all. But I want you to make an informed decision, take responsibility for yourself, your life and always search for the truth so that you may have an informed opinion. Don't go along with the program, don't always go with the flow. No dammit, I want you to march to your own drummer. But take a stand and have an educated opinion before you open your mouth or your legs for that matter. I said I would provide links and you may go here and here. The picture here is just absolutely asounding. This as well is informative. Think about this; what if you are wrong? You'll have to live with it and die with it. It's real simple; if you fail to plan, plan to fail, ok Listen and then give your opinion.

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

PART FOUR

NO BUTT LOVIN'

2006-10-07T09:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt B,
My fiance' and I are supposed to get married, next May. I really love Peter but he puts a lot of pressure on me to have anal sex with him. I don't like the idea, it grosses me out. He was drinking not long ago and said that all the girls were doing it, why won't I? He even showed me a porno, he said he's had since college, of girls doing it like that, yuk!
Aunt B, my Mom is dead and I have no one to ask. I came across your advice blog about a month ago and thought I have nothing to lose. I really don't want to do this. Am I being a prude? He even said that on our Honeymoon, he was looking forward to doing that to me. I am actually mortified but I don't want to lose him. What can I do?
Kelly

Aunt B said...

Kelly,
Tell him ok, if you get to do him first and make it a big one,hahaha!!
I'm not a fan of that position, either. I don't know if he's really serious or not? I also don't know how serious you are about him?
No, all the girls are not doing it. A small percentage is doing it and he can not say that, that is a gauge of a good woman, as he's implying.He can not hold you to that. I know that it's not fair for him to put undo pressure on you to accommodate him on this one, it's just not right. I wouldn't say it's the norm, either and I'd be willing to bet money that there are more women who won't do it than will. I've done it, trying to be open minded and I don't care for it. It was painful and I'm not into pain unless, I'm dishing it out, hah!
I think it's real important, that you assert your feelings now and tell him if he doesn't like it, he needs to find one of those savory chicks in the porn business. You're not about that, you don't approve nor will you ever so he needs to let it go. It seems to me that you cringe, every time he brings it up, right? Tell him to let it go, it ain't happening and if that's what he thinks women have to be about, he's disillusioned and sadly mistaken. What's wrong with good ol' down and dirty sex without the shitty attitude, all puns intended?
Kelly, have him read this, if nothing else. I will make this post known on my other blog and we'll see what the women have to say on the matter, ok! Thanks,
Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

WHO'S FAULT IS IT IF SEX IS BETTER FOR MEN THAN WOMEN???

2006-09-14T09:35:00.000-04:00

Global sex survey shows men get more satisfaction

Wed Apr 19, 2006 5:11am ET

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Around the world, middle-aged and elderly men tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives than women in the same age group, a survey released on Wednesday said.
For the rest of the story go here.

JUST SPEAKIN' THE TRUTH!!

Commentary by Aunt B

Who's fault is it girls, if sex is more satisfactory for men? Certainly you can blame the man, call him a greedy sex starved, get in, get out kinda guy. But only if YOU allow it, does it continue. Survey says, sex is an integral part of our existence and 9 times out of 10, we are not doing the horizontal mambo for procreation. So, if you are really only doing it to please your mate, well honey, eventually you will become a resentful and sexually frustrated crabby and nagging partner who looks for fault in your man/woman.

The absolute worst thing you can do is fake an orgasm!!!!

You fill his head with false bravado and he thinks that everything is hunky dorey and life will go on for him but for you it'll become an,"Oh God, now I'm all funky again let me go clean up and get back to my laundry. Or, "Oh God here he comes again feeling my ass, he's gonna want sex, eeeew!!" Instead of holy shit that was pretty good and I can't wait till we do it again. How do you get to that point, where you're partner understands that you are much like a rose? He needs to appreciate it, see it for it's beauty, touch it and feel it, smell it and even if it has thorns, get past it and find a spot to hold. Now, we all like it rough sometimes, well, I like it that way most times but from what I understand that cave man shit doesn't fly with the average girl. So, if you wanna improve things you gotta take the bull by the horns. Most women, they say have difficulty having an orgasm with just good ol' fashioned intercourse. But you're moaning and groaning and it feels good but he ends up going to the party without you! You can't tell him this cause then he's gonna think you two are living a lie. What you can do is this; buy a vibrator. It doesn't have to be the John Holmes special, just a simple and sleek model and in fact, if it packs a punch and is smaller it is better. Then, first you use it on his AREAS, it'll get him all hot and bothered and he won't even wonder what the hell is she doing with a vibator. Then, in whatever position you can do it, doggy style is best, while he's doing that you put the vibrator on the clitoral area, find that spot and hold it there. Money Back Guarentee!!

Guys, how do you know if she's faking? Well, for starters, all that moaning and groaning doesn't say shit. What you need to look for is the good ol' muscle spasm on your love muscle. If it didn't get tight, it ain't right!!

Just a tip, for you fellows, if you please her with the vibrator FIRST, she'll be tighter for YOU!! Not to mention, the sensation will still be a good one and she won't see it as an effort or chore.She might just become a nymph on your ass and rip your cloths off when you walk in the door. I've never ever heard or read any guy complain about that!

Sex has gotta be a two person venture, dont' take her word for it that she's having an orgasm. You go out right now, that's right get your ass up and go buy a vibrator and use it on her. Remember, most women do not have orgasms from vaginal stimulation alone. They need clitoral stimulation. So, to make a long story short, you hold that vibrator on her clit and ask her as your doing it,"there? there? there?," until she gives you the right answer and you'll know the right answer by the look on her face and THEN the bonus is vaginal stimulation, it heightens it. Word up... the more orgasms she has, the tighter it will get just like exercise it will start to tighten up. Never heard a man say, ,"OMG, she was too tight," either!

So girls, take responsibility and quit faking the funk. Talk or do. Shit or get off the pot. Tell or shut up. Get over the guilt of enjoyment of sex. Sarah, from the bible, after being told she'd have a child, if they had sex, remarked, and I shall have pleasure at my age? She said PLEASURE!! I don't know who the lame brain biblical scholar was or what religion,(I have an idea but prefer not to point fingers), that put the guilt in the sex factor but monogamous sex is the best,forget the rest!!

(This is a re-post from Bitchin & Stuff)

TAKE BACK CONTROL!!!

2006-08-24T10:39:00.000-04:00

Jazz writes...

Aunt B,
I stumbled upon your other blog and then came here. I listened intently to your talk about rape. It was painful and it is what I'm living with right now. Such hurt and pain, I can't even say how bad it is. They haven't got the guy yet, he's still out there. They may never catch him. I was not hurt badly, not physically but mentally it is devastating. I couldn't face anyone or go back to work and my life, as I knew it is a shambles. I am married, for two years now. I can see, even though he says it's not true, that my husband looks at me differently. Does he think I liked it or wanted it? I don't think so but something is different. Am I damaged? I went to get an AIDS test, it was negative but I still wonder. This is killing me slowly. Very slowly.

Aunt B said,

Jazz Darlin', you are in a hell, I know but you have to work through this and take your life back. Let's have a cup of tea and talk...

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

2006-08-22T09:35:00.000-04:00

I left a comment on a dear friends blog concerning the guilt she carries. She has some heavy baggage, she really does. But there are times in our lives me must think of ourselves. It's not selfish to end a relationship that you are not happy in. Her daughter is not happy with her decision to leave her father and especially because she is in a gay relationship; Double Wammy!!
Aunt B said...
"I agree with your Angel Advisor. Let go of the

guilt,

that does not come from God. So, ask yourself, where

does it come from? Ask me and I'll tell you if you

don't know!"

Miranda said...
I know that doesnt come from God. But I think the

guilt comes from me having changed all their lives.

It was me that 'split up' the family, he attempted

suicide by o.d.ing on insulin. He's been depressed

since, not coming out of it.

Anyway thats another long story. My question is how

do I get rid of the guilt, how do I stop blaming myself

for my kid's anger? Especially Kat's who blames me

for her dad's state. I think thats where all the guilt

come from. Seeing their unhappiness, I think thats

what makes it hard for me to be happy. Knowing that

they are not happy. Any suggestions? I think if I

can get over that I can get through the guilt shit.

Guilt is a card that can be played on me so bad. It is

definately something I need to get over.

Thanks for everything, and your support.

Miranda

Aunt B said...
Miranda have a seat and let's try to let go of some of that guilt. I know this weighs so heavy on your mind that it has made you sick before. It's all a matter of putting things into perspective. That goes for you and Kat. Respect her feelings BUT put it in perspective so she may understand...
PART ONE

PART TWO

NEVER RUN AND TELL MAMA!!

2006-08-16T16:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt B,
I know you as Babs but I like this Aunt B idea.My wife and I both read your blog, now and then for some time. So please only call me Leo ok? My wife gets drunk alot lately and she can be nasty and we fight. She calls her mother and tells her everything I've even heard her talking to her. Now her mother hates me and only sees her side of the story and I'm not going to confront her mother about it. But her family hates me now and I know that's why we don't go over for supper anymore. I love my wife Babs, what can I do?
Leo

Aunt B said...
Ok Leo, let's look at this and figure out any possibilities in a bad situation...

DO YOU DESERVE TO BE RAPED IF YOU WEAR SKIMPY CLOTHES????

2006-08-15T18:04:00.000-04:00

This was from a comment from this Post

I think a woman who dresses with nothing on, is asking to be raped. And I don't think they have a right to bitch if they do get raped. This was a good article. I will have to book mark this.

Ass

***Aunt B said...
You are not worth words. But, here are a few for you on the subject of rape and wearing skimpy clothes. BTW, I do hope you read this and I do hope you Bookmark it and come back every single time you're feeling manly, he-manish and let this woman tell you like it is.

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY!!!

2006-08-15T16:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Aunt B,
I heard that sex on Ecstasy is amazing. I was wondering if it was like sex without a condum for the first time. Meaning it sort of ruins it after that, it'll never quite feel the same, or you'll feel like it could just be that much better. I don't mind using protection, I think the benefits far outweigh the minor cost, but I am curious about E. I have heard conflicting reports, and I assume it does vary from person to person, but I also think there has to be some kind of generality to learn from. I checked this site: http://ecstasy.org/. And although very informative and helpful, it doesn't come close to answering the question I have posed.

Thanks,
Instantiable

***Aunt B said,
Darlin', I'm all about experimentation in sex but you must tread lightly. Have a seat and let me turn you on to some perspective and then you make your choice...
Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Audio post click

SHE DOESN'T LIKE MINDLESS DRIVEL...

2006-08-15T10:43:00.000-04:00

When my husband gets all get together with the other lads, the wives are expected to hang out together too. But I don't enjoy hanging out with the women who only want to talk about babies and clothing and home decor and all of that crap. It bores the hell out of me. I enjoy debates, exchange of ideas, politcal discussions, talk about everything and anything but the problem is that the focus in most group never changes. And going to baby showers? Don't even get me started! I don't like stereotypes and i don't want labels. Personally i think there is so much more to women and i wonder why it is that some just enjoy fitting and sticking to that stereotype. Am i normal? What should i do about it so that i can survive such get-togethers and not spoil it for anyone else with my negative attitude.

Thanks.

Nyasha, Northern Europe

***Aunt B said,
Nyasha, I thank you for your question. This flower is for you. Let's have some espresso? I have a nice French roast or Sumatra, which would you like? Do you take sugar or cream?? Have a seat and let's talk about your duty to pull these poor women out of their humdrum lives, for just one night...

KAREN, GO GET YOUR MOJO BACK!!!

2006-08-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

Karen Mojo said...

Hello Auntie B( Ohhh Goodie Gum Drops I am the first person...!!!!)
My Name is Mojo and I am 30 years old. I live in a very cold Country called Scotland.
In May of this year my husband of 8 years called time on what I thought was a rock solid marriage. It seems he 'changed his mind' about what he wanted in life and has left me to sell a house and sort everything out. I am still semi shock that someone whom the week before bought me roses and talked about children, etc all of a sudden changed their mind.
I don't want revenge as I know you'll propably suggest I urinate in his Coffee I just want Peace of mind. So onto the question Auntie B Do you see Life ater Marriage for me cos Just now I can't see past my nose???***Aunt B said,

Karen ma Lassie girl, sit down, have a drink with me and let's talk...

COMMENTARY ABOUT COMMENTS ON COMMENTS

2006-08-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

Do you think it's right to not comment on your blog or ignore the comments people have left? I always leave comments and a lot of times the person does'nt comment back. Are they ignoring me or just being contemptabl

JTW

Dear JTW,

I think it's contemptable,your word but a good one. Please listen to the audio post and I thank you for your comment an

d your question. You are the first, I hope, of perplexing questions, I will get.

BIRTH OF A BLOG!!!

2006-08-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

I’m tired tonite. My ass is dragging and the neighbors are complaining about the noise it makes as I walk around the yard. I thought I’d give this a whirl. Let’s see what kinda shit I can stir? But not tonite!
But here's some posts from my Bitchin & Stuff blog that are advice worthy.

Friday, August 11, 2006

SUNBATHING ETIQUETTE OK, so you've got some nice hooters and of course the guys wanna see them.But you girls that run around with nothing on are ruining it for us girls that like to keep the mystique in the mission. Maybe they wanna see your ass hanging out of a thong but I don't and I look at you and loathe. Is it jealousy? Perhaps, but even when I was younger and things were all in order, I still had a little modesty.

Let me put it to you this way;If a women is wearing a white uniform, you call her a nurse, right?If a woman is wearing a stewardess uniform, you call her a stewardess, right?If a woman is wearing a camo uniform, you call her a soldier, right?If a woman is wearing a short skirt, fishnet stockings and stiletto's, standing on a corner, stopping cars, you call her a prostitute, right?If a woman is walking around an event or at the beach in nothing more than a thong, you call her stupid, right? No??? Why not? She's wearing the uniform of a wanna be prostitute but not charging for the goods and she's bad for business. What business, you ask? The Art of Being a Woman. And what is that art? Feminine mystique, making them want you, the art of desire and passion. The total package, an article of clothing at a time.

Why do you want to just dump it in his lap. Why would you sell yourself short by giving away the punchline, the sales pitch, the package. You really want to know what a man wants??? He wants Betty Crocker in the kitchen and a woman of mystique in bed. Not here look at the junk in my trunk. It's no wonder we get divorced so much now. For one, he's distracted by the dizzy ditzes, little wanna be women who will plop it in his lap. Ladies, we are doing this to ourselves in the name of woman's rights. Married women no longer want to go to the beach with their families because it's like going to a strip joint. "Here honey, look at her ass and her nipples hanging outa that top. Why don't you think of sex with her and forget about me." And he does. You're feeding your man to the Lionesses. Am I being drastic? I think not. And this post is not gonna change a frigin thing but we did this to ourselves by allowing it.

My days of running around are over but I know and can remember not wanting to go to the beach because of this and HE ALWAYS wanted to go.It's one thing, if a guy looks at a magazine but to have that in your face? How can you compete with that, it's an unfair advantage. He's not gonna let you run around in a skimpy outfit cause maybe the guys'll be looking at you. But for us girls that gave our figures for having babies and my last was 10.5 and 23 inches,it's not fair for them to flaunt their shit in your man's face. I don't like it, it's disrespectful and I never will.

I've been in many a fist fight on a Friday night cause some stupid chick in a skirt was flashing the guys, regardless of my husband seeing it. Well, this Bitch will call you on the carpet over that. And even at 47 years old I will still kick your ass. Why? Because I'm as wicked and street as they come and far more evil than you'll ever be. I'm not gonna box with you or pull your hair and scratch. Nope, I will find an equalizer and pummel your ass. I'll pick up a bar stool and you'll wear it. You'll eat your teeth like Chicklets. And then how sexy will you feel?

Friday, August 11, 2006
SEX AND HASH Long Island Update-

I didn't eat all day yesterday, started drinking around 5:30PM and had a nasty headache by 10:30PM. I ate almost the whole damn can of Corned Beef Hash with garlic salt on it.Why I wanted that, I do not know nor did I after I ate it? Thought it was going to come right back up but I went to bed at 11:30PM Ok Babs, you're boring the shit outa us, damn!!

So prior to that, my lil' Sister and I sat out on the side porch, in our respective rocking chairs, enjoying a much earned, cool evening. I think we both smoked a pack of cigarettes each as we sat there, her drinking her white wine, me drinking my vodka and iced tea, talking about the more important issues of world peace; SEX!!
Now, mind you, lil' sis never talks about such rudimentary fun filled facts with me, so this was a real treat. My sis is your Homecoming Queen, best dressed, Ann Klein, Prada wearing kinda gal and this was way out of her realm. We talked of past relationships and the current and where we stood concerning sex. My sister is a little freak. Nope, just kidding. She's more on the conservative side but we got a lot resolved last night or rather we made some careful analagies.

Now, I'm not a nympho but I love to do the horizontal mambo as much as the next girl. But to have sex for the sake of having sex, as in with anybody, well I've out-grown that. The 70's were fun as hell though as I saw more sausage than a Bratwurst factory. The question that hung in the air always kept coming back to; Why do women not like sex with their husbands and what brings them to that point?

Personally, with my first marriage came complacency. I was 16 when I married and really knew not of what real sex was other than laying on my back and taking a good pounding. I apparently had somehow managed to give a good, ummmmm Blowjob. Nobody taught me but I knew that if you paid attention to the certain primal screams, you could tell what was liked and not liked. Well, it's all good but you could tell what really tripped their trigger. I gave my husband a coupon book every year for Christmas, "Blowjobs on Demand." He told me it was all he ever wanted. So, being a woman of my word, always, he could demand it in the parking lot of the grocery or his personal favorite, while we were driving down the road. We're lucky we weren't killed the time my head got stuck between the steering wheel,the Truckers loved it.But our conversation brought about a few realizations.

Women/Men don't want sex for three reasons;
1. It's painful
2. It's uninteresting
3. They can't stand their significant other.

If there is no,"AFFECTION," in the relationship, there is really nothing, as you can live without the sex but must have affection. If a man does not take the time to please the woman, knowing that he usually has a short fuse,possibly, then it only becomes a chore that get's you dirty and sweaty. I think I'd rather get dirty doing something a little more constructive like cleaning the litter box.
If it's painful, get an examination and work on that.

You only live once and, well quite frankly girls, I used to tell my husband that I was cutting him off and he said, "I couldn't cause I didn't know where he was getting it!" Now, he was kidding as he valued his own life more than fooling around on me but it's an example of capability.

It's a male thing to want sex and if you're not obliging, your man may shop elsewhere. So, see if it is a physical problem and or use a lubricant. And tell your man that it's in his best interest to please you first for two reasons; it makes you want it more and it also makes it...tighter, woohoo! If they catch wind of that, you'll be sure to get the maintenance you deserve.

Lastly, if you have no affection in your relationship, you need to examine this. What happened? Where did it go? Did you become stale in your relations because of children or time? And what can you do to bring back a little magic, that spark that preficed being and choosing this person as your mate. Don't be afraid to talk about it and for God sakes, get yours as life's too short and you may only get one go around, right???

Thursday, August 10, 2006

DR. BABS D.L. METHOD
It has come to my attention from one of my gentle readers, that a lot of people are not accustomed to telling an offending party to, "Kiss their Ass." Such a shame! The gratuitous feeling one gets upon the expletive rolling off the tongue, is unrivaled. Therefore, I would like to teach you my Down Low,(D.L.), Method of dealing with a situation, whereas you cannot use the prior, afore mentioned expletive.Most of us go through life holding our thoughts and our feelings in check, in the name of being civilized, disciplined or passive. It is proven that this type of person usually has a lot of stress and stuck, buried stuffed feelings. Not good and you're are an accident waiting to happen. But in all due reality, it is known, even by myself, that we can't always go off half cocked, correct??? So, I learned through serious behavioral modification, just how to deal with these stuck feelings. What I'm about to tell you, you may think, well, I've been doing this all along. Perhaps, but I want you to get that good feeling back. I want you to have a bit of freedom and that gratuitis feeling exploding in the bit of your stomach. Now, it takes some training and a tad of discipline but in no time, you will be feeling set free and SMILING!!. The next time someone, lets say your boss, upsets you, remember two things; you may only be upset if you allow it and if you cannot help being upset, then I want you to look that person straight in the face and tell them to fuck off...IN YOUR HEAD!! This takes a conscience effort to take control of a heated situation, that you feel is not in your control. But you always had control, you just didn't know it. So, you've been cussing people out in your head for years but you didn't take control, not really because you were angry. You allowed this person to take your joy and that's a no no. Take it back by stopping that angry thought process and concentrating on what you would really like to say to this person and say it...IN YOUR HEAD. There is no more gratification than standing in front of a raving boss, who is belittling you for your poor work record or that screw up, you just couldn't help, by taking back control of the situation and telling him. "You know what you fuckstick, you really have a little dick and I hear your balls are cheesy, " and have a big grin on your face but say it to him in your head. Now, you know in all due reality, you can't say that to his face, you'd be fired in an instant. But what you say in your head belongs to you and no one can take it away. Believe me, once you begin to practice the D.L. method, people can sense that they're not getting under your skin. The next time your spouse is berating you, take back control and tell him off...in your head. Tell him he's a lousy lover and he has the brains of a fly; all he does is eat shit and bother people. Tell her that yes, everything she wears makes her ass look fat and she just lays there eating cookies when you're having sex. But don't say it out loud, you must always fight fair, no hitting below the belt in any close relationship but you can sure as hell think it!And never, ever fight in the bedroom. Why, you ask? Because that should always be your Sanctuary, your place to make up and get down, a relaxing escape.I perfected this method under complete duress, in my 19 years of captivity, as a P.O.W. I was called a whore, told no one wants me and my kids and so on. Every time I opened my mouth in reprisal, I was knocked down and would have to come up fighting. But in order for me to deal with this oppression, I had to adapt. And adapt I did. It is truly a good feeling when you can look anybody in the eye, someone you can't stand, smile and tell them, in your head, they are uglier than a mud fucking fence and their mother shoulda been slapped when they were born.With a calm exterior, you think that thye think they're brilliant but your dead dog is smarter. It's exhilerating to smile or to stay calm and casual in the heat, under fire and be able to tell someone to go take it in the ass with a jack hammer and smile wilst doing it, all in your head. But always, always, whenever possible,or when all else fails, tell 'em that Babs said to "Kiss Her Ass!!!"

~~ASK AUNT B~~

Catch Some Aunt Babz Free Advice

I've Moved

MMmmmmmmmmmm...Humble Pie

~Sound Advice~

~Love Knows No Heirarchy~

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

~Points To Ponder~

~Walking Through the Fire~

Buffaloed???

Weathering the Storms in Marriage

~Happy Valentines Day~

~The Friendship Test~

~New School Is In~

The Domino Effect

~Wild Horses~

Just A Little Prayer...

~A Flower Blooms~

PRIORITIES AND PERSPECTIVE=SOLUTION

DUMB IS ONLY DUMB IF YOU ARE DUMB

The FruitCake Lady

THE ROYAL FLUSH

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

ADDICTION'S A TRICKY BITCH

ABORTION; DO YOU REALLY KNOW THE STORY???

LIFE LESSON 101; IT'S NOT ALWAYS FAIR

Am I Dreaming???

SET UP FROM THE GET UP???

Love Potion #9

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

Getting It Together

TAKING IT TO THE STREETS; ABORTION IS NOT AN OPTION

NO BUTT LOVIN'

WHO'S FAULT IS IT IF SEX IS BETTER FOR MEN THAN WOMEN???

Global sex survey shows men get more satisfaction

TAKE BACK CONTROL!!!

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

NEVER RUN AND TELL MAMA!!

DO YOU DESERVE TO BE RAPED IF YOU WEAR SKIMPY CLOTHES????

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY!!!

SHE DOESN'T LIKE MINDLESS DRIVEL...

KAREN, GO GET YOUR MOJO BACK!!!

COMMENTARY ABOUT COMMENTS ON COMMENTS

BIRTH OF A BLOG!!!

ASK AUNT B