Saturday, February 24, 2007

Weathering the Storms in Marriage


I do not know it all, nor do I claim that I do. But I have learned a few things along the way. I've weathered, storm after storm in my life. Often times, I did not fare well, crumbled and cut my losses. Much of what has occurred to me, in my life, the good and the bad, has become ingrained. Most of it, I learned from.
I wrote a post on my blog Chronicles of Thankfulness, concerning marriage. Please read it, live and learn.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

~Happy Valentines Day~


I could never make a list, of all those I've loved. In one respect, I take love very seriously. In another, it has been a fleeting glimpse and passes like two ships in the night. As we mature, so does our definition of love. But if I tell you that I love you, I do and mean it and feel it. I do not give it out freely or rather, I don't say it with abandon. It is important to me. I really don't think there's a real definition, for true love. I've known, what I thought, was true love and walked away from it. I've hurt the ones I love and they forgave me.Those that I have loved hurt me terribly but when they asked for forgiveness, I gave it. Why? Because real, true love is unconditional. It doesn't require that you're perfection, beautiful or thin. It doesn't require money, wonderful clothes, car, home or sex. Love does not look for fault. For if you are looking for fault, you will find it.
Real love is actually uncomplicated. It is silence in a storm, a feeling with out a single word. It is the comfort of a simple kiss or embrace. It is that twinkle in your baby's eyes, that only a mother sees. It is a simple smile , maybe the very last one, before love, comfortable, everlasting love, slips away in death. So many to love, such little time. Love like there's no tomorrow.


love (lŭv) pronunciation n.
  1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
  2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
    1. Sexual passion.
    2. Sexual intercourse.
    3. A love affair.
  3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
  4. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
  5. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
    1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
    2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
  6. Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
  7. often Love Christianity. Charity.
My definition of love for my children and it may sound hokey but...

I would kill without blinking or take a bullet for my babies. They are now 31, 27,26 but they're still my babies and always will be. I mean this with every fiber of my being.



Tuesday, February 13, 2007

~The Friendship Test~

This was sent to Aunt B via email...


hey aunt b!
this is just a quick question, a friend is throwing a valentines party this
weekend and you have to go as a couple. i told my best friend i would go
with her but then today a boy that i have only recently become friends with
asked me to go with him in a jokey way so i thought he was messing about and
without thinking i played along and said 'sure'. my friend was standing
there when he asked and was all like 'what was that about?' she thinks he
meant it but i'm not sure if he did :s i don't know what to do and if he did
mean it then what about my best friend?
love A*****


Aunt B said...

Dear A*****,

Well, I don't know how old you guys are but this might be one of those Best Friend tests? You will find that your BF, may very well not be, your real BF, if she doesn't understand and bow out gracefully. I mean, your BF could get jealous if you go with this guy, instead of her. If she does get jealous, she's not much of a BF, now is she? But I have seen the very best of the best, just hate for you to get in a relationship, especially if they're not in one. See, then all of a sudden, your attention is on this new guy. You're not calling them as much anymore. No, you'd rather talk with your boyfriend, for hours, as you can never get enough of him. The phone rings, you answer it and it's your BF and you're almost disappointed that it's not the guy. So, a wedge is often placed between you and your girl friend. That's just how life rolls and you can only hope to not hurt anybodies feelings, along the way. If you think you like this guy, I would explain to your friend that you don't want to hurt her or her feelings. But you'd really like to go with this guy so, you are hoping she would understand. Then you say,"You're my absolute BF
, so I just know you are cool about this, right?" Then, you tell her, if it was her going out, you'd be excited for her. She may feel second rate but nobody ever said life is exactly fair. We all must learn to ask ourselves what we would do, if the situation was reversed. Would it make you jealous or upset, if she were asked, instead of you? It might sting a little, right? Your friendship may be tried but maturity dictates that you try to behave in an adult, kindly and considerate manner. This means; Suck it up and try to be happy for your friend, even if you are a tad bit jealous. You smile, fix your hair, put on some fresh gloss and act with dignity.
Yes, if you like this guy, go with him to the party and have your girl friend read this. See, you were concerned enough about not hurting her, that you wrote me, made me aware that you want to do right by this BF cause she means that much to you. True friendship never dies, players just go away mad.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

~New School Is In~


This was sent to Aunt B via email


Hi Aunt B,
My school prom is coming up soon and I have been told that a boy is going to ask me to go with him, this boy told me he liked me a few months ago and I told him I already have a boyfriend (but I don’t really) because I don’t like him in that way. After he told me, we stopped talking to each other because it was awkward, but recently we started talking again. Now, so soon after, he is going to ask me to the prom and I don’t know what to say. If I say yes I’m worried about what he will expect, for example do I have to stay with him the whole time and would I have to dance with him, because I would find that really awkward. Please could you help me with my decision.

Thanks,
S.H.

~~~

Aunt B said...

Dear S.H.,

You seem to me, like a considerate person or I don't think you'd have bothered to ask me this question. I do not believe we are born with etiquette or even scruples, even moral fiber. It may be a learned behavior, passed down by our own parents, people who influence us and often those we respect the most. We also learn a beliefs and values system from the list of influences in our lives. I've even seen people who believe the crap on t.v. and soap opera's and adapt from it. This is probably where you get your Golddiggers and guys who'd be more suited to be a Pimp, rather than a boyfriend. Lest I forget the old school pupils, especially guys, who believe a woman is to be sub servant and when you marry, she becomes your property to use and do with, as they see fit. Submitting to your husband out of respect, (note the word Respect), and being sub servant, are two different things, the latter puts a nasty taste in my mouth. See, it takes all kinds to make the world go round but it can all be attributed to the variables of our influence and what we choose to take on as our own values and beliefs. Get the picture?

You've not given me too much to go on, thus a vague and broad approach. So, I'll try to cover the bases here. You've not stated, that you may believe, that you might not have a date for the prom? Is this why you are even considering going with this guy? I mean, for real, why else would you not simply tell this guy that you don't want to go? But I also noted that you told him, when he asked you out, that you had a boyfriend, just to block his pursuit, right? Don't think that I don't understand. It's very hard, to let someone down, who's trying to be nice and you gave him the best, safest, last minute explanation, you could muster on the moment. Possibly?

You asked my opinion but I think you already know the answer. You must do as your heart dictates, right? Prom decorum is not my strong suit. I was off with the stoners, at the time. Then, at 16, not thinking it would or could happen to me, I got pregnant. This was life altering as I walked up the isle to the alter, four months after my 16th birthday. Is that why they call it,"Standing at the Alter"? So, I was never at a Prom but I know this much; you must treat others the same way you want to be treated.
If you don't like people gossiping about you, not being honest, using you, making fun of you, stealing from you, fooling around on you, taking you for granted and the list could go on and on, then you don't do or behave any way, you wouldn't or shouldn't behave. I am a firm believer in Mz.Karma and what comes around, goes around. This is one of life's little lessons, I had to learn the hard way. Prison is full of people, who've met Mz.Karma. Society calls it justice but as I sat in Prison for 3 1/2 years, I got to know and love Mz.Karma. She taught me well, all about treating people as I wanted to be treated. Yes, this is a harsher version of life and I seriously doubt you will end up as I did. I tell you this as a life lesson, for good reason. We all, formerly meet Mz.Karma Bitchslap, in one way or another, even on a small basis. If you remember these words and practice them, all the days of your life, she'll be your best friend. You can sit back, with amusement and watch as she deals with people everyday, in every way. Those with no compassion, will endure the likeness of that which they did not understand. Those that lived with disregard, towards others, will know her on a first name basis and she will give them a jagged pill to swallow. I know, I lived it.
I am not implying that you behaved sordidly. I am telling you all this, so you may make your own decision. I feel things, I can not explain. We'll call it "Intuitiveness." I am also very Empathic. My intuition tells me that you're a good hearted person who is an individual/independent person, who marches to their own drummer. You want to do the right thing, I know this. So, ask yourself this; if the tables were turned and you wanted to go to the Prom with this guy cause you thought he was all that and you asked him to go to the Prom, what do you want from him? Do you want him to say yes, only to kinda dump you, you know, once you get there? Would it hurt you, for him to walk away and dance with other girls and then, leave with his friends for the after Prom parties? Then, you'd probably be wondering why he even said "yes", when you asked him to go with you?

If you do choose to go with this guy, it won't kill you to dance with him and to hang out. You may find it truly nice to be with someone who thinks you're all that. Live without regret. If you don't think you can get over that awkward feeling, which is worse...sitting home on Prom night or going and telling yourself that it's a date, hopefully, the first of many, in your life and you will commit to having a good time. Going to Prom does not give him license to act like an ass and to push you to do something you're not comfortable with. Do I read between the lines that this may be your concern, that he may want to cash in on his investment? If this is the true reason you are apprehensive, then let's approach this, ok?
Every chick in the world needs to know this; going on a date with any guy does not mean that you owe them jack shit. Nor does a guy buying you a drink, once you're old enough to go out clubbing or whatever. If he buys you dinner and diamonds, it still is not an invite or obligation that you must put out. If you meet a guy who's like this, it's a good indication that he's a peckerhead not worth wasting your time with. True love is rarely found in a one night stand or giving into a guys advances early in the program. Oh sure, they'll talk shit but deep in their mind, they're thinking you're easy and not the kinda chick they'd want to meet their Mom. Nope, they're actually thinking that you're a sleazebucket who puts out and you can bet your butt, all his buddies will know all about it. If this is your real concern and the true meaning of your angst and awkward feeling about this dude, then you must read and re-read this.

If you then choose to go out with this guy on Prom night, I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date. It's a test for you both. Is his motive, to take you to Prom and then get into your pants? Can you go out, on Prom night, have a good time, enjoy his company and stand your ground?

Put on your Bitch Belt and wear it like Prada, Sister!



This comment was sent to Aunt B via email...

Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful and somewhat inspirational :)
I've learned a lot from your advice and it has helped me and will definitely help me in the future as well!
Thanks again
S.H.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Domino Effect


This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi Aunt B... this is the first time I've ever asked for advice from anyone

and you seem like a nice person to ask, so here goes


My name is ***** and I'm 15, and there is a girl that goes to my school who
a lot of my friends are friends with (if that makes sense). We went out for
about a week, but she dumped me for some1 else, some1 she had known longer
and went out with him. She explained to me why and I have no hard feelings
against (sorry i cant spell) him. That relationship lasted about a month. Now
its about 1 and a half months later and shes been alienating people. Shes
angry at her best friend and thinks that everyone thinks shes bitchy and
apathetic, and thinks no one cares. She told me a few days ago that I'm one of
the only people she can talk to anymore. I really care about her and want
her to know that I care without seeming to try to win her back. Her sister
moved away not long ago and i know that no1 can comfort her like she does,
but i want her to know that she is cared about and that she still has
friends that will be their for her.


Sincerely,

misunderstood existence



Aunt B said...

Dear Misunderstood Existence,

You already earned my respect and props, for being a stand-up guy. I just wanted you to know that.
I am almost as old as God but I sure can remember what young love, gone awry, can be and feel like. I take it, that you like this girl but don't want to seem like you are hitting on her or have D.L. intentions, right? You've already proven, at least to me, that your intentions are more than honorable. You would be a liar, if you told yourself that you didn't have a wish, that this chick would view you in a different light, right? Well, there's not a thing wrong with having honest emotions, my friend. Own them , keep them in check and listen to me.
Every true and long lasting relationship, starts with friendship. Most long term couples, found that they stayed the distance because they were with their best friend. When a couple digs in, for the long haul, it is usually with someone of similar interests. It must be someone you enjoy talking to. It must be someone you enjoy pleasing, remember this, all the days of your life, ya hear me? Repeat it in your head. It has to be someone that you respect, as a person. If you respect that person, you will trust them, their emotions, trust them to hold your love for them above all things.
Now, I know you have not mentioned love. A good example of young love is this; Have you been in love yet? I'll bet you have, she has, I have, we all have. First, there are so many types and kinds of love and even more definitions. As you grow older, how you look at and embrace love, changes and evolves. Young love is a proving ground. My point was or is, have you fallen head over heels in love, they took your breathe away, when you saw them, you thought you couldn't live without them and they became your whole world? If you've not yet, felt this, you will. You have all this emotion wrapped up, in this one person and they let you down or hurt you, did some kinda dirt and you broke up. You walked away thinking, "Just what in the h*ll did I see in this person, they are so nasty?" They may be literally ugly to you because...love is dumb, blind, crippled and crazy...just the way it should be. Looks should never matter but love does tend to help you overlook a persons shortcomings, thank goodness. True love, does not search for fault, remember that!
I tell you all this, not to down play your feelings and emotions or your girls. I tell you, so you can see that love is a tricky bugger. But the true stuff, the right stuff, the kind dreams are made of, come from true to life friendship, first and foremost.
I'm telling you to be her friend. Be that person she knows she can count on and talk to. Tell her that you'll be there for her, as her friend and state that you're not trying to hit on her. Make it clear that there are no strings attached to your friendship, it's free and real.

The Clincher

You must prepare yourself. She may take your offer and run with it, only to begin dating or seeing someone else. You may always be nothing but a friend. It may even be painful to stand on the sidelines, cheering on, a chick, you have feelings for. But at the same time, through your friendship, no strings attached, you may get to know her and find that you really have nothing in common but friendship. This is why, years ago, people dated, a long time, before they became serious and took their relationship to the next level, get my drift? That next level can complicate things, tremendously. You've got to be strong in the best friend department before you can with stand, marriage, sex, children, finances and all the other crap that real couples must weather. Comprenda?

The Domino Effect

Your friendship is gonna be the most important part, the integral piece to your relationship whether it is with this girl or any girl, ever. By being her friend first, she may become close to you. Most chicks marry a guy they felt safe with, emotionally, unless she's a gold digger. You let her be safe with you. You listen to her and her feelings, I mean, really listen.
If it's meant to be, she's gonna see that you are really a good guy. She may eventually see that you listen to her. This is one of the first mistakes, a guy makes, cause he didn't listen. Most chicks love to talk about themselves. So, if you try to get to know her and are inquisitive, she'll see a natural interest but she'll feel safe, to open up and give you more of herself, more than she gives others. Be that friend, who she can count on, who listens. If it is meant to be, it'll all fall in to perfect order, just like a Domino Effect.
Let me know, down the line, how things go and feel free to contact me anytime, lovie.

Big Hugs,
Aunt B



Thursday, February 01, 2007

~Wild Horses~



This was sent to Aunt B via email


Hi Aunt B,
I've been having this issue with a co-worker. I've worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn't very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I'm not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occations taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him "I was going to hump him someday" Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I'm pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I've seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn't like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those "I want you" eyes. He calls me "My Love" and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I'm pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I'd settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn't act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.
Lonely and Confused in
South Dakota


Aunt B said...

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, "take my breath away" feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he's a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this "fool around" mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She's obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There's always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she's a bitch because she's got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they're not married, he's not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I'll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with.... Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we're the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he's in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you'll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don't fall prey to his games. Don't allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he's really interested, he'll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he'll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn't break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing...never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you've seen him in action, don't ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don't leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B

Just A Little Prayer...