Tuesday, January 30, 2007

~A Flower Blooms~

Egyptian Flower



This was sent to Aunt B via Email

Dear Aunt B,
am a 19 years old Egyptian gal . i'll try to keep my story short. 6 months ago friends of my family were invited over and we were there too.next day grandpa told me that their son said he admires me (keeping in my mind we didnt speak a word together) next thing i know we're all out again . to be honest that day we talked , not much about life , but that little bit gave me a good impression . we all traveled in a couple of days and there started the disaster. I started realizing we're not compatible at all, when i said so my parents thought i had a problem and they nagged about me giving him another chance . They actually never stopped underestimating me and saying am not worth better than him . first i thought i had commitment fear issues and decided to give him another chance. I started treating him real well although i never for once felt i loved him ! During those 5 new months i realized he's a big liar , a trouble maker and someone who totally does not care about me. He tells me my mom told him stuff than when i ask her she says she never said such things. He talks badly about my parents , does not respect my opinions , friends or anyone. We're always fighting and he always calls my mom to get her to convince me give him another chance. a couple of days ago we had another fight ( always stupid ones , that this one was about me waving to a guy i know who was passing beside us), that was when i really hit rock bottom , i told him that was not gonna work out and that i wont take it anymore. like every time he sent me a flower ( i dont believe this is out of apology , i think it's just to show my parents he does nice things ) this time it didnt work for me either and i just could not call him . his mom called yesterday to know what happened and that is when she knew everything and she made him call me after that( although he didnt call all day long to check on me knowing that i have exams and am upset with him ) when i asked him if he was going to call alone without someone telling him ,he said no. The thing is i was gonna end this yesterday but again he said he'll change , i honestly listened to this i will change from him a 100 times and he never changes a bit. i dont know what to do , i dont like him anymore and at the same time i dont want to upset my mom because she really wants this to work out.
i really need your advice am so torn apart .
yours sincerely
anonymous-gal


Aunt B said...


Dear Anonymous Gal,
Far be it from me, to put a wall between you and your family, especially, your Mom. But if you are saying these things and feel all this, from an early stage in the relationship, then I think you should listen to your gut instincts, what your Spirit dictates. You seem, rather wise for your years and you also seem responsible, even with your emotions. You are 19 years old, an adult, here in the U.S. but I do know that old school Egyptian protocol would be to listen to your Mother, always. You must respect her, right? Always respect your Mom but take control of your life. You are not a little girl and they must not treat you as such. Mom is trying to make things work, as he obviously, has snow balled her, pulled the wool over her eyes.
Something does not sit well with me, on this. I have a bad feeling that he will not change and it may get worse.
Out of respect, I think you need to sit down with Mom and tell her, that you love and respect her. Tell her that she must look in to your eyes and see the pain this guy causes you. She must try to see that, you already know that he will not make you happy because of the lying and manipulation he uses, so easily. Obviously, your heart and soul, does not trust him. He uses your Mom against you and that right there is so wrong. You may have to tell her that he has been manipulating her too. You can not do, say or think, in an underhanded way, all in the name of love. He has done this. Tell Mom, that you simply need time away from him. If it is truly meant to be, he'll wait and he'll wait patiently. Between you and me, I don't think he will really wait. My gut insinct tells me that he may be a control freak. If he is, it only validates his manhood, if he controls another. The test will be, if he waits or he moves on quickly. You are young and have time. I know it often feels like you must have things right, right now, today. But you have time. I get the feeling that you are attractive, not beautiful but very attractive, inside and out. You will have no problem moving on, finding another. But time is on your side, keep saying this to yourself. There's nothing worse than growing old and having regrets. But if you live your life with the mind set, that you will try to live without regret, you be doing yourself a big favor.
Step away from the situation, as soon as possible. Tell Mom, you really need time to think. Tell her that you respect her opinion and you want her blessings, in whatever you do. Hold her face, make her look into your eyes. Make her see the pain, this guy brings to you. Make sure that she understands, that something is not right and you need time. See, she really only wants you to be happy. But this guy has her seeing the side, he wants her to see and not the whole story. If she has faith, tell her, that you need her to pray about this, that the scales will be taken down from the seeing eye, of her soul. Tell her to search her own soul for the truth and you do the same.
Time is on your side. You do not have to do anything, right now. If he is pressuring you, tell him to back off, that you need time. Confront him with the lies and deception and tell him this is not a good start for any relationship. You may also, tell him to write me, even though I doubt he would. I would just love to hear his side of this story, though. There are always 3 sides to any story, right? There's yours, his and the facts. There is always a reason behind the things we do, a motive to the madness. As example, when you waved at that guy, he became very jealous. Though it may not be right, it may be a normal reaction, right? I mean, if he was waving, all friendly, to some good-looking, really hot chick, how would you feel? Would it cause any jealousy on your part? Always place yourself in their shoes. This will help you understand, why he does, what he does. I think he's desperate, thus he has done the things, he's done.

The Solution

I think you should speak to Mom and really tell her, just how badly this sits with you. Tell her that something is not right and she is not seeing it. Pray that she will. If you are not a believer, then I suggest, that you own your emotions, own your life by taking the control back. Refuse to be forced into a life, love, situation and possibly marriage, based on a lack of trust, deception and under handed behaviors. Then, test the waters. The true exam for this guy to pass, is if he will allow some time between you. If he really loves you, he will wait and think about why, you need time. It may be a wake up call, for him. Never change who you are for anybody. Bending is one thing but to alter the core of your very being, is wrong. Allow me to point out the fact, that you can not really change him, either. He has ingrained behaviors, life long values and beliefs. It takes quite the person to completely change this. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks but it usually takes a shock collar. In other words, if he might truly improve himself, to be honest, trusting and an above board kinda guy, he must have the shock of his life and he must truly be in love with you. Let him prove it. Yes, you are worth it, you are all that and never think any less of yourself. I can already tell, or feel, that you are a good woman and you will be a good wife. Here, let me beat this into you, lol! It's all about time, girlfriend and time is on your side. Sit Mom down, tell her from your heart, let her see this as it actually is. You have arrived as a woman, when you can respect and appreciate your Mother and she then becomes your friend, someone you not only love but like. Take control, in a respectful manner and have her sit with you, not as your Mother but as your life long friend. Once you are able to do this, all else will fall into place. Remember, you have a right to be happy, ok?
Please let me know how all this goes, please? I wish you only the very best and a very happy life. You are worth it. Did you hear me? Yes, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful flower, just beginning to bloom.

Big Love,

Aunt B



I received this comment back from Anonymous Gal...

Dear Babs
you have no idea how your reply made me feel :) . I really appreciate your caring and am so sorry to hear about your surgery hope it is nothing serious. I am a believer and believe that things will always go to the right direction even if i don't see it now. I will keep praying and i already talked to mom the other day . he has a last chance to prove his love and to change , because that could be the only thing that would make this relationship move forward. pray for me and thank you for thinking highly of me :). I will certainly stay in touch with you . I appreciate having you as a friend. Wish you all the luck with your surgery , i will pray for you and hope you get well soon. Please tell me when you are back safe and sound .
hope you get well soon and thank you very much for making my day with your lovely words.
yours sincerely

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

PRIORITIES AND PERSPECTIVE=SOLUTION

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

In March of 2005, before Anthony and I were together, he met a girl on an online dating service. They had a one night stand. A few days later he emailed her and told her that he didn’t feel it would work and he didn’t want to see her again. The next day she told him she was pregnant. Anthony was honest with her from the very beginning by telling her that there was no chance they would be together. He tried to convince her that abortion or adoption would be best based on the situation. When she insisted on having the baby he told her he would support her decision and pay her support, etc. She continued to “fatal attraction” pursue him. He maintained he wasn’t interested in her. Shortly after this Anthony and I met hit it off and I moved in. This enraged this other woman. She fought with Anthony her entire pregnancy. She refused to give his son his last name. She named the baby Cooper because Anthony told her he didn’t like it. She told him he wouldn’t be allowed in the delivery room (later she did allow it). Once the baby was born she did everything in her power to keep Anthony from the baby. She would only allow him to visit the baby in her home and only for an hour at a time. They both got attorneys. Anthony fought to see the baby 4 times a week for the hour she would allow. Once his attorney sent her a letter requesting 2 hour visits to take place in our home she packed up her house, yanked her 6yr old twins from school, and moved 6 hours away to her mother’s house to keep Anthony from seeing his son. The child is 13 months old now and still lives far away. Anthony has been seeing the child once a month for 3 days for 5 hours each day. The mother is still horrible to deal with. We are married with a baby due in May. This is negatively affecting our home life now too.
Here is the dilemma: Anthony is seriously considering cutting ties from his son. He would continue to send child support but would not see him or his mother anymore. He believes this would minimize the stress and turmoil that we believe is endless. We believe that the mother will never come around and allow this to be anything but dysfunctional. Anthony doesn’t want to continue to allow the mother to cause us trouble. As it is, she only allows short visits not parenting time. He doesn’t know what to do and I feel like my opinion is biased. He’s hung up on the “what if”. What if this decision hurts the baby? What will other people think? Would this make him a “dead beat” dad? At the same time he feels like his priority is with us, his current family. He wants to make a decision soon because right now the baby wouldn’t know the difference if he didn’t see Anthony anymore but later on that won’t be the case. This has morally got him tied in knots. Any advice or insight would be helpful. D.H. of W.F.

Aunt B said...

Dear D.H.,

Hmmm, You've got me feeling this one. There's not much of an answer here but a solution you can all live with. There are too many variables and at least one little persons life at stake, possibly two with your own unborn child. I do not take this lightly. In fact, it makes me wanna run for higher ground but I won't run and neither should you. Let's start with this definition of a deadbeat Dad;


Noun 1. deadbeat dad - a father who defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring
deadbeat, defaulter - someone who fails to meet a financial obligation

This is societies definition. We can never give everything we want to give, to our children but we should try to show some responsibility. Even if, you guys are in a pickle and you must curtail some payment to this child, never stop completely and always keep receipts. I am not encouraging you to stop payment but if you have to minimize, try to pay something every month, it at least shows effort on your part. If you can't afford to send something as a good will gesture, you can not afford to buy luxury items, upgrades and the like. Remember this. I am not implying that he is not looking at his life responsibly, only making a statement for future reference. It is important, for your husband to realize his financial obligation and I believe he is. It is important for you to take him as he is, for richer for poorer. You can not refuse the past, his past but you can take control of it. It looks like he is trying...kudos!

My gut feeling is this; this chick is using his son as a pawn. She is bitter and trying to make it as difficult as possible for him to maintain ties. I think he has gone above and beyond and in many respects, this is commendable.
This is an all around bad situation, especially or rather, in many ways for you. Your husband needs to set some restraint on the situation with the ex/one niter, I agree with you both.
Take control back. I would not say that it is selfish of you to want your husband's time and devotion to go to you and your unborn child. He needs to concentrate his efforts in your direction...for a time. I really feel that you need to keep yourself as stress free as possible. Is it possible that to curtail the visitation or better yet, place it on a minimum level for now might be the answer? It may serve a multi-purpose.

I'm all about realizing we have choices in everything we do or have done. We often do not realize, those choices, till things are said and done. But if we have a,
"before catch," meaning if we realize we have choices before we do something stupid or regretful, we are more in control. In addition to this, when we look in the mirror and do not lie to ourselves but stand true, we are able to see any overcast or stumbling blocks, that may very well hinder us, emotionally. Emotionally, this woman is hindering you both, not their son but the mother. By taking back control and calling the shots, you set the agenda. As I said before, I believe his efforts need to be, to that which is important, right now. That would be your unborn child. I truly believe that if you have a stressful pregnancy it may affect the child. Call me daffy but this is just life experience, not medical fact, that I know of. To be able to enjoy your birthing/newborn experience, you must realize the importance of it and calibrate by it.

Choices.
I do not think he should cut all ties, as it will and can be used against him later. It will be thrown in his face. There is a way around that though. He needs to keep an open file,literally and figuratively, all about his son. If he sends $5 to his son, even if it seems petty, he needs to have record of it. When he can not visit, he should call and own the conversation. Simple and brief, asking only about the well being of his child, she does not need to know his business. You want things amicable but you may have to view it as a business venture. He should write down a brief on each and every conversation, date and time. In a legal aspect, he is doing his part, I know from experience, by making these ,
"caring calls."
You did not tell me if either have custody of the child or if the court has been involved at all? If they have, he must abide to the letter or go back in front of the judge for modification. If he was given or granted visitation and he varies from it, he can be held in contempt. If no court intervention has taken place, assuming his name is on the birth certificate, he has as many rights as she does and may call the shots within reason. If he wants to visit, he needs to give 48 hours notice and she needs to try to accommodate the visit, without excuse and within reason. He will only keep this upper hand, if he stays in touch, concerning the welfare of his son. If you asked me, I would tell you that the early years are more important, the child being, primarily with the mother. I think he could afford to step back and regroup for the sake of your child, together. You did ask my opinion and I am going to tell you what I feel. I am not a legal expert but can only tell you what I have learned through life experience.
To cover all bases, let me say this;
I feel that a child needs the influence of two parents. But anything you say or do, give or take, can and will be misconstrued by all or any of your children. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. All you can strive to do is instill good values and a belief system that will sustain them and hope that they become sound citizens.
In days gone by, the mother stayed home and the father worked. See, it's not so much about the quantity of time but the quality, using your time together in a constructive manner. Back then, the father often had one day, usually Sunday and he spent it at home, hopefully with his children. It is not so much or so important to spend every waking moment with your child but using and utilizing the time you do have together to instill what is important; your values and beliefs. It can be a time for teaching. But this can go on later, when his son is older.

This letter is to you. You feel guilty because you need the attention of your husband. Do not feel guilty, as you have a right and valid need. You are married to him and his first priority is you and your unborn child. He is torn between being a good father to his son and a good husband, right now. I say, he can do both but his main concern should be to you and your baby.
He must have a strategy to make this work. Why not tell the other mother that right now, he needs to direct himself differently. If he says it any other way, it may be spit back in his face. He can call, concerning his son. He can send a check specifically noted, for the purchase of pictures. I think the important thing, is for him to realize that he can call the shots and to stand firm. He can not allow this woman to infiltrate his or your space. Own the situation, take charge for the sake of all involved. We need more men, like your husband, who actually have a real concern for their children. Tell him to read this. Tell him to step back, we're gonna punt here. He must prioritize things. His son does not need to take a backseat to his new child. The child in his heart, is his son and he can not help how the mother is.
Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a lifetime to realize that a parent was trying, they were there if only in spirit and they were loved. But it is important to put things into perspective and have priorities. It is a survival instinct to want to walk away from a painful situation, is it not? This relationship, with this ex, is volatile and she is using it, thus far, to her advantage. Now, I'm telling your husband, to set the plays, call the shots and be the quarterback. If he takes charge and tells her like it is, he has been more than honest. If it is not within the scope of things, to visit, he needs to call and inquire. He should continue to send something in the form of support, I don't care if it's $10-$20-$30, it shows that he is trying and just like a creditor, they can not refuse, even a small payment and they can not hold it against you. But you blow it off and it will blow up in your face. Making an effort can never, ever be hurtful, right? Even on a minimal, level, which I recommend, you can't be called on it and your child can never think, years down the road, that he was not loved.

All we can try to do, is love our children, make sure they are attended to and provided for. He does owe his son this, does he not? But that does not mean has to cow tow to an unreasonable mother, who is only trying to hurt him and hit him where it hurts. I'll feel a whole lot better, if he puts her ass in place and realizes, he does in fact have rights that go along with his obligation.

Choices.
He may write a formal document, sent registered mail, with the contents of his intention. Within the scope of this letter, he may make it clear that he does not want to speak with this woman on a personal level but only about the welfare of his son. Make it known that she has made it nearly impossible for him to visit his son and to have a sound relationship. Then, he must tell her, that for the moment, until she has a change of venue, he must curtail the situation. See, this now puts the accountability on her. She will see that she is to blame, if the child does not have constant visit. You have covered all bases. Keep a copy of the letter, in the file, along with the phone log and any and all support, gift, etc. payments.

Choices.
I hope you have a good life. It sounds like you have a good man and you both are trying to do the right thing. Please let me know how this all goes down. If I can help you in any other way, you are welcome to write. I pray you have a healthy child and are able to enjoy this pregnancy, birth and the experience of it all. Be good to yourself.


Big Love,


Aunt B

Friday, January 05, 2007

DUMB IS ONLY DUMB IF YOU ARE DUMB

This question was sent to Aunt B via email...


My Question,
If someone was called a dummy all of its life from childhood through adulthood. What effect do you think it will have on that person?
D


Aunt B said...

Dear D,

This is a very broad question. The variables, the environment and so on, can make or break this situation and this life.
I truly believe, that we should have to take psychological tests to determine if we are fit to parent. Of course, that will never happen but it is sure wishful thinking, isn't it?
As a parent we must be responsible, more responsible than we are, concerning what we say and our actions concerning our children. You should never discipline your children in the heat of anger or in rage. Send them to their room till you calm. This has a two-fold effect; it gives the child time to think on the issue at hand and more importantly, it gives you time to think on how to handle the dilemma and to squash a tendency to act out inappropriately. As parents, we don't realize, till it's too late, that what we say to our children, they often take literally. To be a parent is a huge responsibility that we take too lightly. We are given children, actually as a gift from the Big Guy, to shape and mold into productive people. We must show, by example, good stewardship, good citizenry and basic good qualities as a human being. We have actually fallen short on this one, haven't we?
I don't know if you are asking me this because this happened to you or maybe a spouse has been doing this to one of your own children but yes, it will effect that child. The question is, will that child choose to rise above the criticism and put things into perspective for themselves? The other question is will you be able to forgive the parent or person that said these derogatory things to you?
As children, if we take things as literally as they are often presented, we will perish emotionally. We must learn to be like an onion. We must have a thick skin, with many layers that can and will be peeled off before they get to the core of your being. You must also learn to put things into perspective. Always look at what is said, own what you must, improve what you can and shove the rest into the garbage. I'm quite sure that you are not dumb but I'm quite sure that whomever continually spoke these words, must've been someone that you respected, loved or tried to care for? You tend to take everything literally when a parent or someone of importance, tells you things. A child is so impressionable. Just in example is the Santa Claus effect. Now really, we believed as children that a fat dude, slipped down our chimney with a sack that carried toys for all children, the world over and he arrived there on a sleigh, through the air, pulled by reindeer. Now, if that's not a crock of shit, nothing is but we believe our parents, don't we? I did, you probably did, we all did, right? We also tend to believe them we they tell us we are fat, stupid, dumb, ugly, nasty, retarded and the list goes on.
As parents, we need to be held accountable and I believe when we go to heaven, we will be but why not take a long hard look at what we do say to our children and be responsible, taking our "job" as parent more seriously?
In answer to your question, yes a person can be mortally wounded by words, especially those spoken in anger. Hopefully, that child will rise above it and realize that they are not dumb or whatever and will grow from it instead of being stunted. You can become a better person from your trials and tribulations in life and acquire the ability to always look in the mirror, keeping yourself in check, not repeating the cycle of abusive language, with a realization that words are a double edged sword; they cut both ways.
D, I'm telling you that you are not dumb and you must forgive whomever it is that said this. Animosity and anger are the angst that will do you in. They only harm you. There is empowerment in taking charge of what you allow to offend you. You can choose to rise above this and you can choose not to allow anything that is said to hurt you. Make that choice, take control and forgive. I will look forward to hearing from you, after you have practiced this empowerment. You look in the mirror and repeat after me...
I am all that and a box of Godiva!