Saturday, November 25, 2006

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.


This was sent to Aunt B via email...



Dear Aunt B-
I found your website and like your style. I am not a spring chicken 48 but I still have some pep in my step. Problems Problems!
I have done the drug thing myself and I'm not too proud of that part of my life. I haven't touched any thing in many many years. Over 20.
Let me cut to the chase. This is about a man - I know you must be floored by that but - yeah it's true. ................I have not let anyone live with me in over ten years until this man.
We met as a blind date type situation through a girlfriend at work. We all got together and went to a Casino and stayed over night. After learning about him I decided he wasn't for me. He was still married, (they slept in different rooms) 3 kids - (13 girl, 19 & 20 boys) all with issues of their own. Anyway my girlfriend slept with me in one bed and the guys slept in the other. We had a good time and we knew one another for 2 years before we actually got together.
He is a truly a good guy - and I am bound to screw it up - it's a pattern I'm afraid. He is a little younger 43. He was in a miserable marriage. He stayed for 20 years. She was seeing a Black guy and I think that's what made him leave rather than - him leaving her for me if that makes any sense.
We have lived together for a year now and he has divorced her. Well we have been through a honeymoon period for sure and doted on each other. I love this man - but I feel he holds back and I give everything I have to the relationship. I an a jealous girl however and this has always caused me problems in my relationships. Well here we go.
His ex recently broke up with her boyfriend. And they seem to be talking more.
As I am writing this the situation just got much worse.
It is the Holidays - and my family are gone. He has a pretty big family and they are all down for Thanksgiving too. I had to work on Friday and he made plans to go bowling with the kids. I didn't hear from him all day until time for me to get off. I asked if they had a good time and he said yeah they had a great time. We were to go for dinner with his family when I got off. When I got home he told me his ex came with them and he knew I'd be mad - Furious is more like it. We went to dinner anyway and was strained but I got through it.
We came home and didn't talk much watched a show and went to bed but didn't touch and we always snuggle.
This morning he was suppose to work around the house but instead he put on dress clothes and left. I tried to talk to him and he didn't want to talk about it. He said he guesses he's moving out." I don't want to live with a woman that doesn't trust me".
He said he get his things later.... that's where it is right now.
I am pretty emotional right now so I'm ending it here.
Thanks -
Melanie


Aunt B said...


Dearest Melanie,
This is a rough situation. I do believe I've been in a similar predicament, myself. I don't really believe you have been unreasonable in your feelings. I'm sorry but I will not tell you that you are wrong. If he knew or knows that you are uncomfortable with the notion that he is spending, "Quality," time with his ex, then he needs to read this. It starts with the word "Respect."

I don't believe the word "Trust" should enter the picture.
How gullible should you be? How naive in the name of trust should you be?
I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer that a woman should never assume her man is faithful to a fault. Who wants to go through the hurt and pain, if your man falls prey to some voluptuous, unscrupulous, uncaring tart? Men are men and their nature is, often, for a better word, Shady. Even in Biblical times, since the dawn of time, men have fallen prey to the evil ways of a Jezebel. It's more fact than fiction, unfortunately. So, we gotta be on our toes. There's a fine line between being insanely jealous, possessive and/or intelligently on top of the program. I would feel the same way, if I was in your position. I also believe, if the shoe was on the other foot, this guy would be very jealous, too!
I assume he was married to this "Ex" and it's only natural that they have things in common such as the children. Keeping things on an amicable and friendly level is mature and good for the sake of the children. Anything more than that suggests an ember. It is suspect, even to me. He need only to place himself in your shoes. But even if he can't, he needs to respect YOUR feelings. That's it and that's all.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I hope you are able to work things out. Please let me know. In the mean time, I'd really like you to look at one thing; Did he look for an excuse to leave?

11 comments:

1gato said...

it is not alone of time and patience to go reconquering those new lands, it is remangarse one and that in spite of the pain to see the clear things and to try to follow the road that we know that it is the but I heal, the but sure, the one that won't make us fall again.

When after certain roads that we choose, we look back and we see that we really gave the maximum of us, we fulfill the affections but important, we were when more they needed us, the relief at the end of that road is not of the other ones, of those that assisted, of those that accompany, but our!, the tranquility is our, the peace of having made the things well they will belong you to you, and the pleasure of having been with somebody so special in the moment that but he/she needed us it will accompany us in each new lesson that he/she waits for you to the turn of the road.

Babsbitchin said...

1gato, Hola! Very nice words, very true, very real, very wise!
Mucho Gracias,por favor vuelto mi gato!

Anonymous said...

I think this guy was trying to go back with his old lady. That's just me though.

macky m

xmichra said...

alright, i am going to play the devils advocate. GEEZ. hehe..

lets just say that in this instance he doesn't want to get together with his ex.

If he did have a dinner with her and their kids.. and he told you... well. he isn't hiding anything. He is trying to be respectful that way.

You said yourself that you have had a ten year go at living on your own.. figuring things out. he has had a year, and with another person to try and burry this pain. I think a cheating spouce is painful, no matter the side.. and to push tose feelings aside is harmful to future relationships. Now, having said that, he most likely is having a hard time coming to terms with everything that happened and everything with you. He doesn't want big complicated actions and harmful feelings. So he will run, if you push.

It's tricky business, when there are walking wounded involved. Speculation is a horrible feeling, and jealousy is never a nice shade. But they are real, and to push your own concerns aside is not healthy either.

Honestly, i would interupt his moving. I would be to the point, sit down with him and talk things over. I would state my true feelings (without getting mad, or placing blame) because that is a gut thing.. and try to resolve what you have. And to try to open yourself up to him and his feelings.

If he still wants to leave, and to not talk.. well i would say that was his intention all along and was trying to worm his way out.

But you won't know unless you get in there.

Babsbitchin said...

Xmichra, you are right on time. See, this is another perspective. You can choose to possibly stop him and try to talk. You can choose, to be reasonable and trust him. Or you can choose to let him go and hope he comes back on his own. If you have been hatefully jealous, I suggest trying to lower that feeling and look at the situation. This is a good position and I thank you Xmichra!

xmichra said...

:) always.

Babsbitchin said...

X, kiss the Princess for me! Thanks!

Joss said...

To the truth that you do not leave any point without covering.

The fact that his ex has accompanied them it is to think very seriously and probably it is the door opened where he seeks to go out.

GBY

Babsbitchin said...

joss, you may be right. If he does not try to work things out and is not understanding or even forgiving, he wanted a reason out, don't you think?
Es difícil decir pero marcharse sólo así se equivoca. ¿Piensa usted?

Joss said...

Of course, this is the dilemma that is necessary to consider, especially when excuses are looked, probably for cowardice.

GBY

Babsbitchin said...

joss, I never thought of it that way, good point of view!
¡Nada peor que un hombre de cobarde!