Sunday, October 29, 2006

Love Potion #9

This was sent to Aunt B via email...


Dear Aunt B,
I am a twenty-four year old single mother.I work a full-time job as well working toward my business degree. I had some really bad relationships in the past and I have a hard time trusting men. I have never cheating on any of my ex-boyfriends yet however, all of them ended up cheating on me. I have recently started dating this guy who is only twenty-one years old. I am not sure if he is ready for a relationship. I was content with just being friends with him but he was very persistent with being my boyfriend so I finally accepted. Part of the reason why I choose to be his girlfriend is because I didn't want him to be with any one else. I don't just want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, I am looking for marriage.I know he has a lot female friends and this bothers me because my ex did as well; and that relationship was a disaster. I know that every man is different but I just don't know how to trust anymore? I am also afraid to fall in love because, I fall in love very easily and usually I end up getting hurt.Is there away to tell if he is serious?There are days where he does not even bother to call me and I feel like he should at least call to see how I am doing. I understand that he needs his space but in a relationship I feel like communication is everything. I just don't know what I am doing anymore.
Please help me
Ms. Confused



Aunt B said...


Dear Ms.Confused,
Let me first commend you for your efforts. It's not easy being a single mother, juggling work, school and motherhood. I know I did it. Even though it is often the hardest, never forget that being a mother is the most important, everything else just gives you the ride.
OK, it is a given that women mature quicker than men, even in childhood this is true. In many ways, we are more mature in affairs of the heart, too.
I dare say, that you should tread lightly or do not place your heart in his hand. He is young and one day he may feel all the want of a serious relationship, the next he may not. But I am the kind of person that believes in living life, let the rest sit back and watch and say I wish I had...
My last beau was 34 and I was 46. Big difference but we enjoyed each others company. Luckily, you are young enough to see your way through this life with an ability to pick and choose your mate. Mark my words, you will not grow old and be alone. But don't jump and flip things. You may possibly be writing more into this than there is, for the moment. I'm not saying that the potential for a good, healthy relationship is not there because I don't know that. The upside of having a young boyfriend is in the training,(inside joke amongst us girls), but without being demanding, if you want to hear from him, tell him so. At that point you have stated your needs but it's how you address it that will make the difference. Don't jump him and say hey how come? No, you say, "you know, I'd love to hear from you tomorrow." Then, when he calls, you say it again and again, until it becomes second nature. If he doesn't call after that, he didn't want to call and it will be clear, right?
There's a fine line between being stupid and/or possessive. Girlfriend, never trust a man...
completely! Never feed your man to the Lioness and not expect him to be eaten. Now, you can't project your fears from being burnt on some unsuspecting guy who may not even deserve it. But remember this, every single relationship has the potential for harm. But you gotta live girlfriend. Be smart, give them a bit of leeway but don't be stupid. A guy that has a lot of friends that are girls is often gay OR he has an agenda. That's the facts Jack! Now, he may fall in the bracket of the innocent but don't be gullible nor be overly jealous. Be cautious. Your man, may mean well and he had a life before you, remember this . You can't expect him to just trash it. But in a well rounded relationship, he would build his life around you and include you. Thus, you know where his heart lies and exactly where he is, emotionally and literally. How could you not if he was holding your hand all the while?
I'll be curious to know if this works out. See, Ms.Confused, you're ready to settle, on one hand. The other hand just slapped you and said wake the hell up, we're gonna have a career, right? Damn, it's hard to be a woman. My vote would be that you try to take a fraction from all you have, all that's going on and roll it into a ball. Don't put too much in any one thing but work on you and who you are, what you are, what you will be as a woman. Don't settle, ever. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. Now, every relationship takes work as you often agree to disagree. But don't think you can really change a seasoned man or fix him. That's the first mistake.
If you go for this young buck, you must state your needs and desires. Present them in a palatable simple pill for him to swallow. If he fights the medication, you'll know, he's not the one. Love Potion #9

Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I am married to a beautiful woman. She is tall,slender,sexy, everything I've been looking for. We met at an on-line dating site, and we hit it off right away. Within two months we were married. I know it was fast, but we were sure that it would work. After about eight months of trying to have a baby, things began to turn. She came to me one day and told me that she was not happy in our marriage. We never fight, we have had maybe two arguments the whole time. She could just tell me that she was not happy. I was immediately cut off from sex. She didn't want to get preg. She says that she loves me, but is not in love with me. She just does not have the feelings for intimacy. It is very confusing to me. I'm a man. I love her and want to have sex with her. We sleep together in the same bed, she tells me she loves me, but we have only done the deed a couple times since that day. When she feels horny. I have stayed home from work a couple of times in the past week, and I decided to look at her personal journals. I know it is wrong to do, but I am desperate. In the journal I discovered that she has been communicating with one of her many past boyfriends. She says in her journal that she still has emotional attatchments to this guy. She has been e-mailing back and forth with this guy according to her journal, but when I checked her e-mail there was no record of e-mails with him. She has an e-mail account that is through her work, and I suspect that they are using that one. My predicament is whether or not I should confront her about what she wrote in her journal, or have I violated her privacy too much to reveal, and confront her about this.

EP


Aunt B said...


EP, I really feel for you. You sound like a really nice guy who's grasping at straws and wrestling with the guilt of violating the unwritten privacy law.

All's fair in love and war.

You have actually listened to your spirit/intuition that has led you, in the first place, to distrust your wife. When we listen to our inner voice, we're often right.

You have a serious trust issue here. If you don't have trust, you have nothing, in any relationship. If she's not your wife, in her heart, she's not your wife, now is she? You can't make her have emotions that she thinks she doesn't have, right? However, my loyalty is with you, for some reason. If you were my own son, I would tell you that you have absolutely nothing to lose by confronting her with the information you have.


All's fair in love and war.

Take the bull by the horn's and address the situation. You tell her that you had a suspicion and you were grasping at and holding on for dear life and felt desperate because you love her. Don't mention the fact that you don't want to look like a fool either, it won't matter. If you choose to try to work out this relationship, you must confront her or accept your life as it is. That's exactly what it comes down to; What are you willing to swallow in the name of love? You obviously are not happy as things are. What do you have to lose by telling her how you feel? She is so beautiful to you and you are so in love and she can't see it, it is wasted, thrown to the wind.

All's fair in love and war.

I want you to plan a nice dinner, a quiet evening at home and you first tell her how much you really love her. But you will no longer tolerate being treated any less than her husband. You tell her you don't buy the fear of intimacy because she might get pregnant. Hell, that's what birth control and condoms are for and she could use both. You calmly, take control of this situation and make it known you will no longer go along with this situation. You are not to be played with any longer. Confront her with her behavior towards you. If she denies it, you make it understood, things are going to change or bye-bye. You must make it crystal clear that your life will not longer be toyed with and you are not going to tolerate it one more day. Only pull out the Ace, the knowledge you have of her supposed communication with her ex, if you must. You take the upper hand. Yes, I said take it and make it yours. You look in the mirror, pull off that bandaid you've been wearing on your heart and take a stand. Or live the rest of your life, in misery, allowing her to do whatever she wants to you.

I'd slap you myself!! Stand up to her. Have her read this. The jig is up, the game is no more and you're taking your heart and your life back. If she is smart, she'll realize what a good guy she has and get her act together. Now, lace up those boots and march in there and do what needs to be done! Please let me know how you are and how things turn out. If only I was younger...damn!!


Keeping it Real,

Aunt B

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Getting It Together


This is a letter sent to Aunt B via email...



Hi! i just wanted some advice on my life in general. I had been injured at
my job and hadnt worked for 20 months. I have permanent damage to my arms
and hands which i am now not able to do many jobs. I was on compensation but was kicked off with little payments for my damages. i was pretty well hung
out to dry by myself with no help for finding a new career or anything. the
problem is that i had a decent job but had to leave it because i was
switched departments and i couldnt physically do the new job, so i had to
leave. now i have no job. I also have extra debt from my not working before
that i want to take care of like refinance some of it or something. I have 3
kids whom are all in college now. They r doing great.
I have overcome a lot in the last 2 years but still struggle with the job
aspect, im used to making more money and i have bills to pay. Im looking for
a job now that i can actually do physically, but anything i can do has less
pay. So i am really at a crossroads there.
On top of that my husband is just laid off from his job of 5 years. He get
85% of his wages so he is getting paid. Its just everything is wrong right
now. My daughter is away at college and i cant bear it without her too. and
my dog is handicapped on top of that. and also my father has cancer and its
not a recovering kind of cancer. So, pretty much everything is a mess right
now. I dont know really how to handle all these things that r wrong. I
have tried so hard to put everything behind me, but new roadblocks keep
popping up at every turn. Right now i am just looking for a new job or maybe
2 jobs so that i can keep up with everything and get my mind off of other
things. This has been a continually negative time for me but it has lasted
almost two years. I vow that i will turn this all around and i really mean
it and im working so hard to do so, but i just cant seem to get it all
together.
Sometimes you wonder if this is all my life will b for the next 4o years (
im 40 now) what is all the excitement about ????? Its not that great a life
really. I cant get a job that i want because either i cant do the job or if
i get the job they end up checking my sin number and get rid of me because
they find out i had a claim at compensation before. Its not fair and bad
things have happened to me not by my fault particularly but i didnt ask to
get injured or be in this situation. I would like to just finally get on
with my life and i would like to be happy. I havnt been happy for a long
time. Dont get me wrong my husband is great and helps me all the time. But i
havnt been able to contribute anything to this household for the past 2
years which is difficult, because that is why i have extra debt to pay back.
My plan is once i get a new job i can go and get some help to refinance
some of my debt and get paying it off as soon as i can. It guess i think its
all my fault that we r in this spot and im having a hard time changing
things. I just dont know why its so hard for ME to get back on the right
track with my finances and career and my emotions too. I am far to
emotional, i guess from being put thru all of this drama with my injury. I
am now permanently partially disabled and i hate that. I have to have help
with stuff. I really dont like getting help it makes me weak . I amlike mym
father very proud. For someone like me before the injury, i worked full time
and more , kept the house , did the yardwork, gardening , shopping , looked
after a herd of cows as well. Now everything just has fell apart. Even my
freind of 20 years that had gone missing from her home a few months ago, was
found 8 days later and we found out that she commited suicide in the bush
near her house. It was just shocking to us. You see its just a continuous
blurb of roadblocks and obstacles that i have to deal with on an ongoing
basis. I dont know what approach i should take , ive tried to be positive
and all of that. I just need some input or maybe a new direction to go. I
know one thing i have to find a new job right away. I am still going to
interviews and all that but not having much luck. Dont i sound like a loser
???? thanks for any advice you can give!!! I really need it. I cant live
the rest of my life like this or it wont even b worth the effort of getting
up in the morning. Laurie


Aunt B said,
Wow Laurie, you've got a plate full there. I've been where you are and in some ways, I still am. I have disabilities too. It is very hard to step down from making a good living, with a sense of self worth to little or nothing. Been there, done that. I still wrestle with a lot of the same things everyday, that you yourself mention. My Father died from the Big C, I know what you're going through to a certain extent. You are now asking yourself; What more can I take, if any more?

Laurie, I've come to a crossroads in my life, where there's not much more you could do to me that hasn't been done and I mean that in every sense of the word. In that crossroads, I've found a lot of myself and it has shaped who I am and maybe who I will be. It also has afforded me the strength to say what's on my mind, come what may. I've learned from most of my mistakes, gleaned what I could from things that have happened to me in the past and applied it to my Wisdom file.
You may feel right now that there's nothing to learn here but Oooooh there is. Now, we just have to find what it is and why? This will, of course, have to be a personal journey for you. I'm here and you have other people in your life who may support you. But ultimately, this is your fight, right?
If you've read anything about me, you'd know that I went to prison, battled heroin addiction, been raped, beaten and seriously injured. I shot my husband because of his beatings. You have to know that I've been through so much. I often wondered in desperation, just what the hell was going on and why me? Let me tell you what I've learned;

When you stop believing in luck coincidence or magic, you begin to see a plan for your life from a Higher Power. It's like a puzzle and each, incident, accident, situation, moment, life in general happenstance, is actually a piece to the Puzzle of Life. With each new adventure and we'll call it that, you get a new piece of the puzzle, the Puzzle of Life, the Big Picture. It's much like a treasure hunt, look for the pieces in a whole new light and begin to put it together. These things that are happening in your life are for a reason. What is the reason?

This is actually the most important thing you'll read and I mean that. I began to put my puzzle together and no longer said, why me? Instead, I chose to look at it in all it's rawness and mold it into a teaching tool and learn from it. When I began to ascertain wisdom from these things, these awful things that had happened, I also began to own it and take back my power. Now, don't think for one minute that I never have calamity in my life. Quite on the contrary, I always have challenges and often feel I'm climbing constantly, one mountain after another.
When I cried out from the very depths of my soul, my Higher Power heard. A simple statement. I don't know what your belief system is but you should incorporate a positive force in your life and ask for help, really ask for help. It is a calming power. You may very well be angry right now, understandably so. Ask for a calm spirit and ask for wisdom. Seek and you shall find. It is true, if you seek it, you'll find it. If you don't have a belief, I'll pray that you find something and you're able to find calm assurance in your life.
Do you feel your pride has been smashed? Boy, do I know how that feels. Prison has a way of taking your pride as well as not being able to do the things you're accustomed to doing because of injury. It's another simple answer; You should not have pride and it will be broken. Is that the lesson, you need to learn? Is it that you've only relied on yourself or husband for all in life? Did you notice that I said I went throught the same things? Not coincedence!
I am not here to preach only to offer you some tools. Put all that in your tool belt along with this: what will it hurt for you to take 5-10-15-20 minutes of your day, go into a quiet room.Be selfish with this time and afford it to yourself. Light some candles. Put on a comfy cover, blanket. Begin to breathe slowly. Take a long slow breath in through your nose and blow it slowly through your mouth as if cooling a spoon of soup. Quiet your mind and take yourself to a place you envision that is safe, a mental picture. Maybe you are walking on the beach or sitting against an old knobby tree wherever you go, make it a safe haven and purge your mind of all this garbage and pain. I call it prayer, you may call it whatever you want but begin to find things to be grateful for, even in this miserable situation. each time you do this, find a new one, a new reason to be joyful. What makes you smile? Was it that baby, looking up at you with unconditional love and trust? Do you remember those times? So, it is with my Higher Power, I look up and He looks back at me with unconditional love and I begin to trust. A smile comes to my face. Then, I just mentally talk and ask for answers and wisdom. I ask what it is that I need to learn. I walk out with renewed strength and hope. It only works if you do it, Laurie. I think you are a very reasonable person. Right now, you may feel so helpless that you may even scoff at what I've said. The healing will begin when you read this and began to ingest it. I guarantee that you will feel better, every time you incorporate these principles till it's as natural as breathing. It becomes second nature.
As I said, this is a personal journey, you are not alone if you truly look for the answers. But I know you can do this and there are answers.
Laurie, I don't know a lot but I know a little and this has worked for me. I hope I've helped, please let me know in the comments, ok and stay in touch. Let the healing begin!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

TAKING IT TO THE STREETS; ABORTION IS NOT AN OPTION

This is a subject I do not wish to offend anyone with. This is directed at the kids, young people, sexually active individuals who see abortion as just another form of birth control.
Let me clear up any misconceptions you may have about my stance here; We now have a "Morning After Pill" and if you are raped, you'd better take it. If you slipped up and your contraception may be in question, take that pill. But to think that you can fool around and, "Whoops, I slept with the guy Friday Night and it's the perfect time for me to be pregnant," and go have an abortion, this is directed at you. Personal responsibility is what I'm calling you on. It is not an option to be used in your little kit of birth control options. Use a condom, sponge, pill, something for God's sake, just don't think because you want to be irresponsible and play with fate that it's ok for you to go rip a fetus out of your womb, cutting it to pieces.
Say what you want. "While it's often important for people to know what you stand for, it's even more important for them to know what you will NOT STAND FOR!"

This was taken from a previous post on WCRZ Crazy Radio




Before I die, I'm going to say what has to be said. You don't have to like my opinion and you don't have to listen to the posts, another decision you are able to make in the land of the free and home of the brave. But I see it as a cowards way out. Your adult enough to lay down, be that adult and look in the mirror and take charge of YOUR life.
Kids, this is not a pleasant subject. Abortion is not a very nice thing at all. But I want you to make an informed decision, take responsibility for yourself, your life and always search for the truth so that you may have an informed opinion. Don't go along with the program, don't always go with the flow. No dammit, I want you to march to your own drummer. But take a stand and have an educated opinion before you open your mouth or your legs for that matter. I said I would provide links and you may go here and here. The picture here is just absolutely asounding. This as well is informative. Think about this; what if you are wrong? You'll have to live with it and die with it. It's real simple; if you fail to plan, plan to fail, ok Listen and then give your opinion.



PART ONE
this is an audio post - click to play


PART TWO
this is an audio post - click to play


PART THREE
this is an audio post - click to play


PART FOUR
this is an audio post - click to play

Saturday, October 07, 2006

NO BUTT LOVIN'

Dear Aunt B,
My fiance' and I are supposed to get married, next May. I really love Peter but he puts a lot of pressure on me to have anal sex with him. I don't like the idea, it grosses me out. He was drinking not long ago and said that all the girls were doing it, why won't I? He even showed me a porno, he said he's had since college, of girls doing it like that, yuk!
Aunt B, my Mom is dead and I have no one to ask. I came across your advice blog about a month ago and thought I have nothing to lose. I really don't want to do this. Am I being a prude? He even said that on our Honeymoon, he was looking forward to doing that to me. I am actually mortified but I don't want to lose him. What can I do?
Kelly


Aunt B said...

Kelly,
Tell him ok, if you get to do him first and make it a big one,hahaha!!
I'm not a fan of that position, either. I don't know if he's really serious or not? I also don't know how serious you are about him?
No, all the girls are not doing it. A small percentage is doing it and he can not say that, that is a gauge of a good woman, as he's implying.He can not hold you to that. I know that it's not fair for him to put undo pressure on you to accommodate him on this one, it's just not right. I wouldn't say it's the norm, either and I'd be willing to bet money that there are more women who won't do it than will. I've done it, trying to be open minded and I don't care for it. It was painful and I'm not into pain unless, I'm dishing it out, hah!
I think it's real important, that you assert your feelings now and tell him if he doesn't like it, he needs to find one of those savory chicks in the porn business. You're not about that, you don't approve nor will you ever so he needs to let it go. It seems to me that you cringe, every time he brings it up, right? Tell him to let it go, it ain't happening and if that's what he thinks women have to be about, he's disillusioned and sadly mistaken. What's wrong with good ol' down and dirty sex without the shitty attitude, all puns intended?
Kelly, have him read this, if nothing else. I will make this post known on my other blog and we'll see what the women have to say on the matter, ok!
Thanks,
Keeping it Real,


Aunt B