Tuesday, August 22, 2006

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE


I left a comment on a dear friends blog concerning the guilt she carries. She has some heavy baggage, she really does. But there are times in our lives me must think of ourselves. It's not selfish to end a relationship that you are not happy in. Her daughter is not happy with her decision to leave her father and especially because she is in a gay relationship; Double Wammy!!
Aunt B said...
"I agree with your Angel Advisor. Let go of the
guilt,
that does not come from God. So, ask yourself, where
does it come from? Ask me and I'll tell you if you
don't know!"

Miranda said...
I know that doesnt come from God. But I think the
guilt comes from me having changed all their lives.
It was me that 'split up' the family, he attempted
suicide by o.d.ing on insulin. He's been depressed
since, not coming out of it.
Anyway thats another long story. My question is how
do I get rid of the guilt, how do I stop blaming myself
for my kid's anger? Especially Kat's who blames me
for her dad's state. I think thats where all the guilt
come from. Seeing their unhappiness, I think thats
what makes it hard for me to be happy. Knowing that
they are not happy. Any suggestions? I think if I
can get over that I can get through the guilt shit.
Guilt is a card that can be played on me so bad. It is
definately something I need to get over.
Thanks for everything, and your support.
Miranda


Aunt B said...
Miranda have a seat and let's try to let go of some of that guilt. I know this weighs so heavy on your mind that it has made you sick before. It's all a matter of putting things into perspective. That goes for you and Kat. Respect her feelings BUT put it in perspective so she may understand...
PART ONE
this is an audio post - click to play

PART TWO

this is an audio post - click to play

6 comments:

Miranda said...

Thanks so much for taking time to answer. This is one of the toughest things I've ever gone through. I totally agree with you. I have talked and talked to her about it before. About how its her fathers choice not to move on. That one day she will understand. I believe that one day she will understand, once she has had the experience of a true relationship. The teen years are tough years. It doesnt help that she's as stubborn as a mule.

I like that Tame the shame and blame game idea. Im working on it. I have appologized to both Kat and her dad. Though her dad will probably never forgive me, thats his choice, and I have accepted that. As for Kat, I think its a matter of time before she comes around. In the mean time I am closing the door on the past, he is no longer my problem.

Ironically in a way, now that I've given it a ton more thought, his avoiding me by not associating me, or looking at me when in the same room makes it a little easier to say f**k you. He's not my problem.

Omg I think this is the longest comment I've ever left. I agree with everything you've said, others have said it or something similar. I guess in the end I just need the reassurance that it will all work out. We all get by with a little help from our friends. (corny I know...but true :P)

((((HUGS)))) Thanks again.

Aunt B said...

Miranda,
The first step, you've already taken and that is the attempt to make amends. After that attempt, it now becomes their baby. I know it's easier said than done as I also know your main concern is your daughter and rightfully so.It may take some time for her to get over it. But DO NOT allow her to make you feel guilty. Do not give her the weapon that continues to hurt you. Let it roll off your back like water on a ducks ass. No, it's not being callous. It's being selfish on her part not to see just how she's hurting you, by not allowing the amends to be made. I wish I personally could talk to her. She has every right in the world to feel the way she does and right here, right now, I validate her feelings, BUT she does not have the right to be disrespectful. I see that she is by at least not trying to see the whole picture and by behaving as she does.. For God's sake, let her read this. Yes, you turned her happy world upside down, yes Miranda, you did that. But you apologized and you explained why and it's a difficult decision to have left her father. I'd bet my whole foot that you'd not done it to be mean nor malicious. Ask her this,"Would she prefer that you suffer in the relationship and allow it to drag you down along with your health. And if you've tried to make amends, but she continues to try to make you suffer with guilt, shame and blame, is she being a good daughter even worthy of an apology?" I'm not implying that she's not a good daughter but her stubborn and malicious attitude rings of it and she may not even know it. She should have unconditional love for you. Yea, you hurt her and now it's time to accept what happened, move on with life, forgive and time will allow the forget. I also invite her to give her side and tell me how she feels. As you know, there are always 3 sides to every arguement or disagreement; yours, hers and the facts.Let her know you're trying to get advice and smooth things out and let her listen and tell me how she feels. I offer you that whole heartedly. If she's going to act like an adult and wants her opinion to matter, tell her to step up to bat. I'd be glad to hear her feelings, concerns and pain. You tell her, ok my pal Miranda?

Miranda said...

Thank You again. I unfortunately can't show her my blog, as this is my own thing (plus, lol, its got some serious x-rated stuff in here.) No one outside blogland knows of it (I hope) But you have told me alot of good stuff that I will keep in mind. Right now she is ok, but I do know when the time comes to tell her that my g/f is coming again, its going to hit her.But it's ok....everyday I get a little stronger. I was going to go there, but no, Im letting her come here. I'm tired of running. I'm going to face her head on. She will always be my daughter, and I her mother. One day she will find love, and that I'm sure will be the day she will finally understand.

Im not sure if you remember the letter I wrote to her back in June: http://deepinmymind.blogspot.com/2006/06/so-i-wrote-this-letter.html#comments
You commented with alot of great support, again thanks.

BTW Im loving this blog...its like Dear Abby, but with real down to earth questions. Keep it up. :)

Babsbitchin said...

Miranda, I thank you for your support for this blog and I really mean that.I hope you can stand tall and things work out. If I can ever help, please let me know. Good vibes are sent your way!!

JerseyTjej said...

You are the Truth, Ruth! Keep bloggin and giving out the advice! You so rock and are SO in your element!

Babsbitchin said...

jersey, gee whiz that's nice of you. Thanks for the support. Just maybe this ol' fag hag could get the ball rolling and make something outa this, ya know. Tell me, how many women do you know that raw dog on the truth or commentary? Not very many but us girls need to shout at the devil, eh???